I�ve been thinking a lot lately about laziness�more specifically, about MY laziness.

Hmm�maybe this isn�t the place to start. Why start off on something that�s gonna make me feel like shit and totally sour me on this renewed devotion to journal-writing?

But that�s what I�ve been thinking about.

Laziness.

OK, there�s the obvious � the fact that I can�t seem to find the energy to get off my ass most every weekend day; the fact that on many days I would rather forego makeup and get in that extra 20 minutes of laying in bed and watching the Today show (or Buffy repeats) before I come to work; the fact that I have lived in my apartment for pert near six months now and it still looks like shit because the task of painting is so daunting that I rarely have the energy to work on it and I can�t do much else until I paint it. Thank God Lou helped me strip some paint last week. I feel less overwhelmed now. But still�have I done anything to it after work this week? Nope. Cuz I�m lazy.

In my defense, I have been rather blue and stressed lately. Money problems. Missing John. Well, and just the fact that I get depressed an awful lot, for no good reason. However, the plain truth of the matter is that getting my apartment painted would make me feel a heck of a lot better.

That or it will make me depressed cuz I don�t have the money to buy furniture.

So on to more important matters when it comes to laziness�I was thinking last night that I am lazy when it comes to spiritual matters. I tend to rationalize it all and yes everything I say makes a lot of sense, but really it all boils down to laziness. I don�t go to church not because I really detest any sort of organized religion, but because I don�t want to wake up early on Sundays.

Don�t get me wrong. I do detest organized religion. In this day of �religious� terrorism and the Catholic church trying to cover up the sins of it�s priests in order to save face rather than save the children those priests molested, it�s hard not to.

And yes, I also think it�s cheating to accept someone else�s interpretation of the Bible (which was written by mere mortals in the first place who I will admit are far more qualified to talk about such matters than I, but in the end they�re just people writing what they think, see, feel, experienced, dreamed, etc. I�m not doubting their words, I�m just saying�) and run with it, accepting their laws as your own; their interpretation of God as your own, etc. The same could be said about any religion from Hinduism on down. Christianity just happens to be within my frame of reference and probably a lot closer to what I really believe than any other religion, so far as I know. I think we�re put here to figure it out for ourselves. That�s why we�re here in the first place. It�s expected of us, it determines what happens to us after we leave this life�and let�s face it, it�s just fascinating to consider.

But in the end, I�m just plain lazy. Cuz the whole going-to-church thing wouldn�t negate my still trying to figure it out on my own. It would probably encourage it, because I would be amongst people who presumably think about it, too. It�s like how being among other writers and talking about it inspires me to write. My assumption is that being around people who think about God and discuss him would inspire me to do so more.

I have always considered myself a Christian and a fairly traditional one at that, even with all of the ghost-sightings. Here�s where my laziness is apparent again, though, because I am really only traditional in things which are easy to be traditional in. You know, like am I really not going to have pre-marital sex and/or not have sexual thoughts about some sexy dude at work because the Bible says I�m not supposed to? Obviously, that�s not gonna happen. Not to mention my preoccupation with all things material. I make good money, but am I smart and renting a little apartment and saving all of that money and even more importantly donating any money to anyone? Of course not. I�m in the killer apartment, spending all of my dough on my monthly rent and new car payments and obsessing over the fact that I really want to fill the pad with new furniture.

Of course, the real truth about the new pad is that I don�t think I ever really thought John wouldn�t be there to share it with me�and share the expenses. And so now I�m shitting myself. Shitting is exactly what I did NOT want to be doing after we broke up. If I remember correctly, I was all panicked about how much rent was for tiny one-bedroom apartments. Then I moved in to one and lasted there about two months before moving myself into a slightly bigger, two-bedroom. I think the problem was I started to relax and realize that it wasn�t going to be as tough, money-wise, as I had thought (I had visions of living on frozen corn like in the old days)�then when it came time to move out to the LBC I went a tad hog-wild, what with the new pay rate and all. Well, plus, I just love my pad. It�s truly awesome and as much as I�m stressing over funds, I am gonna do my darndest not to move. That would kill me. Not to mention, it would be a huge pain in the ass. How many times can a gal move her shit in the course of two years?

And I know if I had moved in to a one-bedroom I would really hate not having enough room. I guess, for me and my �lazy� value system, sometimes spending more money is worth it, if you have a really cool place to kick it in.

I know these things, and yet I give myself shit. Just bring on the frozen corn, already.

But yeah, the John thing�since it was rather obvious that he was coming with me at least initially I know that in the back of my mind I just thought he�d be there. I mean, come on � look at us. How many times have we broken up now? And yet, who am I missing terribly and who is coming down for the weekend? I just want to curl up like a ball in his big ol� arms and stay there when I�m feeling blue, like I have been all week. I want him to make me feel like everything is gonna be OK.

I don�t even think I should go there, cuz I really have no idea what it is I�m feeling. I don�t know if it�s really him I miss or if I�m just too lazy to consider being alone for a while and maybe even finding someone new. John is easy. I know him inside-out. He helps me out with money, when I need it. The sex is great and I don�t have to worry about diseases or surprises or some strange request like �Just lay there, really still and pretend you�re not breathing.�

I have no idea where that came from, but the point is made.

Plus, I can be stupid with John. Silly and fun and sexy because even though I don�t feel particularly sexy as a rule, I know he thinks I am. And he�s been so freakin nice lately. I guess I should be happy he�s living where he wants and has a good job and a great boss because it�s obviously made him a happier man. I assume that�s what�s made him happy, anyway.

So I should relax about the John situation and just enjoy what we have, right? Except how do I plan for a life without him, if that�s really the way it�s going to be, while still spending time with him and therefore not getting rid of my feelings for him? Obviously, this is no relationship � talking on the phone and seeing each other on those weekends when he doesn�t have to work on Saturday. And the fact that I have no interest whatsoever in dating anyone else right now is because I still care for John and there�s no room for caring about anyone else. So I�m stuck � can�t move forward with him, can�t move forward without him in any real sense. But the prospect of really cutting that tie makes me want to vomit.

Probably because I�m lazy, though.

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~~~~~~~~~~~peace, love and smooches~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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