I know I write an awful lot of personal stuff in here. I even use real names, albeit not last names. Obviously though, anyone who knows me and comes across this journal for whatever reason will know by only reading one or two entries that it�s me. I have told only one of my friends (hi, Heather!) and none of my family members that this journal exists, although Barbi could figure it out if she wanted to (she knows about my other pages, which link to this one); she just respects my privacy and wouldn�t read it anyway, unless I asked her to specifically. See why she�s my best friend? That said, you know what? I wouldn�t care if someone did. This is MY journal. I don�t expect my friends and family members to edit their thoughts about me and although I am mighty loveable, I�m sure they�re not always generous and kind. Therefore, I would never do so. And this journal is a reflection of those very thoughts and feelings. Keeping it all in a public forum is needless and risky as far as that goes, but I find it helpful in encouraging me to write on a more regular basis. That, in its entirety, is why I keep a public journal (well, plus, it�s just plain fun). Perhaps one day I�ll deem it necessary to fork over the cash for a Super Gold account and therefore have the ability to open a private folder, but frankly I doubt that will happen (because I�ve already been pissed off at the fact that I�ve asked exactly TWO questions of the guy who runs this thing and both were completely ignored. I understand that I am using a free service and so would never throw a fit about this, but I also don�t really want to give someone who shows so little consideration my money).

The only one I worry about is Sondra because I�ve said a lot of�stuff about her. They are true statements, at least to me, but some have been unflattering to say the least. I�ve considered many times deleting specific entries which relate to her or ones that are more revealing of myself than I�d be comfortable with if we were all, say, sharing a vodka martini and conversing; but I decided against it for the very reasons I list above. If I start editing my thoughts and telling myself �Ooh�you shouldn�t share that; it�s way too personal� the whole reason for my keeping a journal will have been lost.

That said, this just sucks. I will miss my friend and the life she shared with us. And Kim, if you�re reading this � drop me an e-mail because, like the dork that I am, I didn�t save your e-mail address.

~~~

I am extremely irritated this morning, for more reasons than the above. Maybe it was waking up at 5:15 this morning�

First of all, after reading this today, I was reminded of one thing: I�m gonna be really pissed if the world gets blown up and I wasted the last few months of my life DIETING! Like most people, when the end of the world comes I want to spend my last few hours making hot monkey love and eating lots of chicken tacos, snow crab and Philly Cheese Steak sammiches.

Secondly, work matters are trying my patience severely. I�m really burnt out lately and just sick of�well, pretty much everything that has to do with this stupid job I have that means nothing to anybody and does nothing of value, except to put cash in the owners� pockets.

Most importantly�

I received an e-mail this morning from a �friend-of-a-friend� who is in the Army and was pissed off that I participated in a candlelight vigil for Peace over the weekend. How can you be pissed at someone for standing in a field of grass, holding a candle and praying that you don�t get your balls blown off?

Then, I read this entry today.

OK, I�m not gonna get in to whether or not this gal is right or wrong in her assessment of the situation (or why we lost in Viet Nam � puh-lease!) or the fact that her intimations that we who want a peaceful end to this situation are just ignorant of the facts because A) I could go on for freaking EVER and B) it doesn�t even matter at this point. Just know that her insults to my intelligence bothered me immensely and there are PLENTY of things I want to say, believe me boy howdy!

You know, it�s not that I have no sympathy. I honestly understand that this all must be very hard on her; to work so hard for something you believe in and then turn on the t.v. and see millions of people protesting the very acts in which you are preparing to participate.

I feel something very similar, in fact, every time Dubya completely ignores those same millions and does whatever the hell he wants to do anyway. It�s very disheartening to work so hard at something, to believe so fully in something; only to have your work, thoughts and feelings ignored. In Bush�s words, all of these anti-war statements and protests �did not move me.� That�s 50% of the people he is supposed to be representing, about whose opinions he does not care. Shall I remind everybody that Bush works for me just as he works for those who voted for him?

The important issue at this point is, as I wrote in her GB, we are ALL trying to do what we think is right during a time when right and wrong are not so easy to determine and in NO WAY is protesting a war the same as protesting the people in the trenches (as it were). I don�t need to justify myself here. We all know that I hold nobody in the actual heart and soul of the military responsible for the decisions of our current leaders. They have sworn to get behind whatever our Commander in Chief decrees to be the correct course of action and they are doing so. Hell, it�s not like they can even just �quit their jobs� if they do disagree. I�m scared for them even more than I am scared for the rest of us.

I get truly disgusted though, with the intimation (not just hers, of course) that because one disagrees with our present policies that one is Un-American or not Patriotic. As someone even wrote in her GB: If �they think our own country is so unjust then they need to leave the USA and go live elsewhere where their freedom no longer exsists (sic) and then won't they all be kicking themselves for not supporting you more before. (sic)� Hey, you know what? Fuck off. That�s a load of crap. The country that Dubya and his little band of cohorts wants to turn America in to is NOT America. I am being my MOST Patriotic when I point that out and do everything I can, no matter how menial, to DEFEND MY COUNTRY! I DO love my freedoms, which is why I don�t want anyone to fuck with them, EVEN THE PRESIDENT. Sadly, he is doing so this very minute and you, because all you can do is blindly follow your leaders, are allowing him to do it. He�s stripping away those freedoms you so �patriotically� profess to love and you�re sitting by, allowing him to do it. So my question is, WHO IS TRULY NOT PATRIOTIC??????? Of course, I am using this person as an example; I have no idea who he/she is, nor do I care. I�ve heard this and read it so many times it doesn�t matter.

You guys and gals in uniform are defending what you believe in, just as I am. I won�t fuck with your right to do so, so DON�T FAULT ME FOR MINE. The people in our military will continue to have my support and prayers, just as they always have.

I was against the first Gulf War too. And yet I still had five pen-pals in the miltary over there to whom I wrote on a regular basis. These weren�t people in my family, they were complete strangers to me (at the time, anyway). I started out writing to one of my co-worker�s nephews and it grew from there. We are all just people here; we�re all scared and we�re all doing what we think is right for us to do. I expect you to understand that, just as I do. I�M ALLOWED TO DISAGREE AND I AM ALLOWED TO SHOW IT. I do not attack members of the military and call them anything, so I will appreciate it if you�d stop calling ME names, as well.

Or, as the rockin� evany said today:

�Plus all the 'support our troops' stuff is just so confusing. How did "support our war" become interchangeable with "support our troops"? It seems like the nicest, most supportive-ist thing I could wish on the soldiers warming up on deck over there is that they never get shot at, bombed, gassed, or sunburned in the reported 130-degree Bagdad summer heat.�

Ah�thank God there are cooler heads than mine.

~~~

P.S. I really can�t wait for the same people who are all �Patriotic� now to start whining after the war, when we have to spend literally billions of dollars to rebuild Iraq. �We should be spending that money here at home, on our own people�� blah-blah-blah. Don�t worry; just wait. It will happen.

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~~~~~~~~~~~peace, love and smooches~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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Copyright 2002-2005, Howl-at-the-Moon Words



***DISCLAIMER: These are my thoughts and my thoughts alone. If you know me in my "real life" off the net and have come across this page purely by accident, please keep in mind that you were not invited here and I would suggest you leave this page now. However, should you choose not to do so, please be warned that reading my thoughts here is not an invitation to discuss them off-line. You may discover things you do not know about me and may not like very much. Such is life. Again, this is MY space and I will use it as I see fit. If you are offended by anything here, well that's pretty much your own fault at this point. I say all of this with love, of course, but there it is.