I did not watch American Idol at all this week. I saw snippets of the kids� performances at the end of the show on Tuesday is all. I did not watch the show at all last night because I hate it when they have an hour long results show. They spend 55 minutes on lame and vomit-inducing group performances and saccharine clips of the kids �behind the scenes� and unfunny jokes and banter between Ryan freakin� Seacrest and the judges. There is not enough money in the world to make me sit through another one of those hours. I actually intended to tune in for the last five minutes, but I became engrossed in Manor House and forgot all about it until this morning.

However, I did watch a bit of the news this morning and so I know what happened.

And I know that Josh fucking Gracin wasn�t even in the bottom two and that Ruben was.

You�ll notice I said the �f� word there. Josh doesn�t even merit my attempts at not cussing when we all really know that I really am cussing anymore.

Is every U.S. Marine on the planet calling in and voting 27 times each now or what?

I am positively disgusted.

And bye-bye-Trenyce. It�s sad, I know; but in a perfect universe, wherein Josh would have been gone three or four weeks ago and last night was really Kimberly Caldwell�s turn to go, Trenyce would be gone next week anyway. So she�s just gone a week early. Of course, this means that we�ll have to suffer through Josh attempting the very dangerous and rarely attempted falsetto-whine next week when it�s Bee Gees night.

Thank Christ Gilmore Girls is on opposite American Idol.

Uh-oh�The Little Big Man just asked me to go out for Japanese food for lunch. He never asks me to go to lunch�I�m worried. Man, I hope other people are going�I was discussing Japanese food with his usual lunch buddies last week, asking them what restaurant they go to, so maybe they�re just going today and thought I�d like to go cuz I was asking about it�man, I hope so! Yeah, that�s probably it, right?

What, do I have a guilty conscience?

I wouldn�t, except that the economy is in some trouble here, in case ya�ll haven�t heard. I am really good at my job and an asset to this company, but in truth�they could get along without me, if they needed to. I know that LBM appreciates me and certainly likes having me as his assistant and he wouldn�t be able to do half of the things he does if he was tied to the department as he was before he hired me. I know all of this�however�if the company began losing money (so far we haven�t lost money, but we�ve had a couple of quarters in the past year where we only broke even) and started cutting back personnel, they really could eliminate my job without skipping a beat. People would just have to work harder, but it�s not as if they are incapable of doing so.

Anyway, so I have been worried about my job for the past several months, especially since the war started (yeah � now you know the real reason I was against the war!). Both the Navy and the Marines are huge customers of ours. The prospect of their diverting their resources elsewhere was a distinct possibility (although if anything our military business ended up increasing over the past two months).

The thing is�I have never been in this position before, really. I mean, I have worried about jobs in the past, but it was always because my boss just had it in for me for no apparent reason or my big mouth combined with my tendency to stick up for the underdog had gotten me in to trouble, stuff like that. I have never before been worried about my job only because of the state of our economy.

First of all, this is the smallest company I have worked for since entering the corporate world. While there are a lot of pitfalls in working for large corporations, there really is something comforting about knowing that your employer has been in business for 100 years and is not going anywhere any time in the near future. It is true that when smaller companies do really well, they tend to share to wealth more evenly (I�m sure there are exceptions, this is just the experience of me and those I know). However, if this company had a year in which they lost money, we would have to make some drastic changes and it would mean the loss of jobs, even if only a few of them. The division of the huge, 100-year-old company for which I worked for three years prior to taking on this job had lost money all three years I worked there. Because the rest of the company was still strong, we were still OK. There was still pressure, mind you, but it never even occurred to me that I might get laid off.

A lot of that had to do with my second point which is that, at the old company, I knew I was very valued. I went in there and totally re-vamped that department from procedures to systems to personnel issues. It was not only a huge learning experience for me and pivotal to my career development, I knew that those people would traverse hell�s half acre in nothing but a pair of panty hose and red pumps if it meant keeping me there. Everyone in that department would have been laid off before I was.

And I have felt almost that secure at all of my past jobs. At the risk of sounding pompous, I am not only very good at what I do, I am good at a lot of things. Most notably, I am someone who thinks �outside of the box�. I have ideas; I like to grow and learn and, if need be, make changes. All of this has gotten me in to trouble at past jobs, but it also made me excel at others. I certainly haven�t had a professional defeat in about ten years and not because I changed the way I do things, not because I ceased to stir things up. I just found jobs and other people where those talents meshed and were needed and appreciated.

However�at my present job, I haven�t really done any of those things. Not because I can�t or because I suddenly developed a case of the stupids, but because those �wave-making� and �change-inducing� talents were not needed. I did put the department through a lot of training when I first came on board and I have implemented a lot of changes, but they have all been so subtle and seamless that it seems like nothing and I don�t even think anything I have done has registered on anyone�s radar except LBM�s. The thing is � LBM had already been working here for about eight months before he hired me. LBM is much like me in his work habits and ethics�MUCH like me. It�s cool and scary at the same time, really. But see, he�d already gone through the department with a hatchet and a vacuum and made a lot of changes before I came on board. He really just needs me to be here and run the day-to-day operations so that he can go off and now work miracles company-wide.

All of this is great and I have no complaints. I wish I had additional challenges and more importantly additional, earth-shattering ideas that would make a significant difference to this company, but I really don�t. And that�s not at all what is needed of me here, anyway. So really I am fitting my position nicely. It�s just that it all leaves me feeling a bit insecure.

~~~

I�m bummed. John isn�t coming down this weekend. That�s not the part that bums me out, though. I�m bummed cuz I can�t afford to go out and party in his absence!

It does kind of stink though, in that he�s not coming this week, but he�s coming next weekend. Well, next weekend I will be on my period; I am going to lunch on Saturday with my Mom and my sisters (celebrating Mother�s Day a day early) and he�ll probably spend Sunday with his family/mom since it�s Mother�s Day! But, I guess he just really doesn�t want to spend money this weekend and I can�t go see him because I don�t want to spend any money, either.

I need to stop buying so much food. For the past two months or so I�ve been grocery shopping a lot more and find that I have far less spending cash as a result!

~~~

OK, I have something to say about Halle Barry.

We all probably know by now that she is on the cover of the �50 Most Beautiful People� this year. As such, she was on pretty much every morning t.v. news program this morning, from my local t.v. news to Good Morning America.

OK�I am trying to think of how to put this. If I come off sounding racist, please be assured that I am just ignorant. I just have to ask this question�

Was anyone�s life really changed when Halle won the Oscar?

The only interview I saw any part of was on GMA, during which Diane Sawyer asked Halle what the Oscar has meant to her. So Halle proceeds to go on and on about how every day, every freakin day at least one person comes up to her and confesses how Halle winning the Oscar meant so much to them; that if she could win the Oscar � something they never ever thought was possible � this gave them the encouragement they needed to follow their dreams. Hey, if Halle can do it, so can I!

A. I think the real reason we all thought Halle would never, ever win an Oscar is that we didn�t think she really deserved one until she actually had a role in which she had to act.

B. I found it incredibly pompous when in the midst of her tear-soaked Oscar acceptance speech Halle herself was spouting off about how important her win was�you know, for the good of all mankind.

It�s not that I don�t think it�s important that an African-American female won an Oscar. I am the first to get on my high horse about how under-represented minorities are in art and how many black actors should have won Oscars over the years and for what roles. But let�s face it. I don�t really think race is the problem with the Oscars, or any awards shows. It�s that the Oscars aren�t given out based on merit (well that and the fact that one can�t really measure artistic merit in this manner anyway. What was the �Best Picture� to me may be totally different than what�s �Best Picture� to you and who�s to say who�s right?). I mean let�s face it � it�s really great that Denzel won his Oscar that year too, but he should have won it for Malcom X. However, that year everyone was busy making up for lost time by giving Al Pacino his Oscar for a role in which he nauseatingly overacted, but they had to do it because he deserved it for his body of work. Russell Crowe, in my opinion, totally did not deserve to win for freakin� Gladiator (a flick I liked a lot, but come on, people), but they had to give it to him because they totally ripped him off when he was nominated for The Insider but they had to give the Oscar to�someone else, because again they were just making up for lost time and awarding someone in retrospect�who the hell did win that year anyway?

Anyway, my point is that I don�t think the unfairness of the Oscars per se has anything to do with race. It�s just a whole screwed up system (of course, actually getting your movie made is a whole other story because if black people or Asian folks or whatever can't even be in the movies, they certainly won't be up for any awards, ya know?).

But Halle, Halle�isn�t what�s �important� in the whole arena of race-relations and socio-politics, etc. supposed to be decided by history? To stand up there and say you�re winning this Oscar for Dorothy Dandridge is one thing and shows great respect for those who came before you and really suffered through some serious racism. To stand up there and talk about how important your winning the Oscar is in the much larger sense just seemed rather inappropriate to me and very pompous. Even if you believe you are enacting a societal-changing award-win here�You know other people are gonna say it. Just let them say it. And it kind of sucked because initially I was more focused on the fact that Halle was getting a lot of respect as an actor over the past few years, when she very well could have just fallen on to that dung pile of beautiful women who are never hired in Hollywood to be anything except beautiful women.

C. Seriously�do you know any women, black or otherwise, who use Halle Barry as their role model and were seriously so touched by her Oscar win? Does she really stand as an example for any women you know? I think she�s way too unapproachable to be that and therefore for her Oscar win to mean much of anything except to her. Now, had it been Oprah or Queen Latifah who won, I would totally concur. I can see why they�d be examples for others because they seem just like you and me and everyone else and seem totally approachable.

Am I just a dolt here and Halle�s win really was something of monumental importance?

I am a white woman, after all. I am obviously a liberal and I also like to think of myself as one who is understanding, empathetic and one who can put herself in the shoes of others with compassion. I�m kind of known for this, actually. But in truth there is just a lot I will never know simply because I am what I am � a white woman. I will never really know what is it to grow up black or Asian or Latin or a cross-eyed, one-legged rodent. I can only imagine. Perhaps there are things I am not seeing when I look at Halle Barry.

Well, even like the fact she�s black. I frankly didn�t even know that for years after she started acting. I dunno�I think I assumed she had like Brazilian blood or something that made her skin a little darker than mine. I really just thought, �Wow, she�s gorgeous!� and I don�t think my thoughts went much beyond that.

In fact�when Halle won the Oscar and spouted off about how important she is as a result, I was talking about this with someone who said�ssshhh�I didn�t say this, so don�t shoot the messenger�this person�this white person, I might add� said��Please! She�s not even black! I�m blacker than Halle Barry!�

Which brings up another point�can one be a role model for Black Americans when one doesn�t look anything like a Black American? Of course, African Americans are like everybody else � there is no typical �black person� just as there is no typical �white� person (or typical Southerner, much as you folks might like to rag on Southerners and reduce us all to stereotypes, a rant I will save for another time)�But would someone who is more stereotypically �black� - say someone like the aforementioned Queen Latifah - be more likely to be seen as a role model in black communities?

I don�t know and I have no opinion � I am asking the question. If you have any ideas on the subject, I�d love to hear them.

I suppose Halle is a role model for a lot of people�but I just think she would be, regardless of her race. I just think those people would look up to her regardless.

So am I na�ve or ignorant? I�d be afraid to ask if all of this sounds like I�m a racist, except I have the feeling that nobody will respond to this entry anyway. I always get all agitated when I have something a little opinionated to relate to you folks; I always think my guestbook will be filled with nasty posts and my e-mail flooded with hate letters�then I never even register on the radar and nobody gives a crap what I say anyway.

Hmm�perhaps Halle Barry is not the pompous one�

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