I�ve been thinking a lot about him the past couple of days. Then yesterday both Lou and Sondra brought him up in conversations with me, because they had just seen him and the bitch (oops, I mean his girlfriend) at a party a couple of weeks ago and were filling me in on the party haps.

Mike and I were songwriting partners and in a band called Mocositos some years ago. I had to end our songwriting partnership because of some bullshit that happened with my sister, Sondra, and the results of said bullshit.

At the most, there were four Mocositos: Me, Mike, Lou and Robert. Lou and Sondra met because of the band and they fell in love. They are now married and have a son.

Lou and Mike have been friends since High School. Therefore, when Sondra started seeing Lou they hung out a lot with Mike and his then-wife, Laura (a great lady who I never get to see anymore, since after their divorce Laura refused to have anything to do with Mike�s friends). This is where the trouble began for me.

I have talked a lot about Sondra here, but ya�ll really have no idea what I have been through with that woman. Things are much calmer now. She still struggles, but in general she seems to be a lot happier nowadays. I�m sure the fact that she is now a Christian has a lot to do with that. However, at this time in her life Sondra was far from happy. Let�s be blunt here (who am I to pussy-foot around anyway?). It is my considered opinion that Sondra is mentally ill. Being a Christian helps her deal with that, yes, but she is still mentally ill and it becomes apparent often and in numerous ways.

At the time I was a Mocosito, Sondra was not dealing with her illness well at all. In fact, although we still spoke and socialized and I was even the one who fixed her up with Lou, I really didn�t deal much with Sondra during this time because she was really at the height of her illness and I just couldn�t cope anymore.

Songwriting partnerships are odd, at least they are for me. I can�t write songs with just anybody, first of all. I hate this about me, really, because it makes life difficult for me; I can�t just form a band with any old jokers. I become musically impotent. Anyway, so when I find someone I click with in this way, it�s terribly exciting for me (and this has happened exactly twice in my lifetime).

Mike and I met through our mutual friend Michael (the guy who broke my heart at 19). This was long after he�d broken my heart, but Michael took me and some other people over to Mike�s one night to play around with instruments and stuff. I knew who Mike was only because I�d seen him play in a band he was in at the time. Anyway, he heard me sing and we clicked and decided to try to start writing songs together.

I loved Mike. In truth, I probably loved him more than I should have, but I don�t fully understand my relationship with Mike, so I won�t bother to try and explain it here. Suffice it to say that we were close. He was like my best friend.

After Mocositos had already been around for a few years and already been through some wackiness was when I was raped. I was a mess in a lot of ways and this was only compounded by the fact that the rape forced me to deal with my childhood molestation. I kind of withdrew from most people in my life at this time, without even bothering to explain anything to them. I didn�t want to have to and didn�t feel I should have to. As anyone who has ever gone through any sort of traumatic event can probably tell you, when you reveal things like this to others, you end up taking care of them because they feel rotten for you and don�t know what to say or do. Well, I really couldn�t deal with any of that. Of course, I still had to go to work; and I was also determined that the trauma was not going to interfere with the band or gigs or anything. Perhaps I was a bit na�ve, but this also has a lot to do with why I didn�t tell family members about the rape. Once Barbara found out about it, she�d never let me leave my house alone again. That just wouldn�t work in my life.

I knew that my behavior was erratic, though, to say the least. I also thought at the time that court trials were going to come up and that sort of thing. The bottom line is that I decided it would be best to tell Mike what was up, so that at least he could understand why I may not be the cheerful and funny gal I once was. I thought he would be understanding and maybe even shield me from some miscellaneous band bullshit that always comes up and take up the slack a little on the business-end of music. He of course told his wife, but they were the only two people (aside from the friend at whose house the rape took place) who knew about the rape. And I told Mike that he was the only one I was telling.

Now I really know I was na�ve.

Sondra and Lou and Mike and Laura decided to go to San Francisco together for a weekend. Of course, being the really nice person I am, I even lent them my car to drive (because they all had pieces of shit that would most likely not even make it to Fresno). Their way of thanking me for this kindness was to sit around one night and talk about me and dissect me.

Apparently, it went down like this: Lou and Mike were out somewhere, leaving Sondra and Laura were alone in their hotel room. For some reason, they started talking about me. So Laura brings up the rape. Sondra says, �Well, I didn�t know about it so is must not have even happened.�

Uh�say what?????

OK, in her defense let me just say that I used to have a small problem with lying to people�oh, you know�WHEN I WAS A KID!

Evidently, she was talking to Laura about this problem that I had in High School. I told some pathetic lies at that age � ya know, like �I have a boyfriend�he just goes to another school�� stuff like that. Stupid, yes. I am not proud. Earth-shattering and signs of a serious compulsive-lying problem? Uh�I don�t think so.

However, that is apparently not the way it was presented to Mrs. Mike. I�m not sure what exactly happened or what was said, I wasn�t there. What I do know is that they all put their heads together and decided I was a liar; decided a number of things I had told Mike in the past were untrue and decided I had never been raped.

So Sondra calls me when they get back to talk to me about how �concerned� she is for me because I am apparently lying �again.� Hey, ya know what? I also had a crush on my High School Drama teacher � are we gonna hold that over my head for the rest of my life too and use it to prove to my future-husband that I can never be faithful because I will never truly love him?

I fumed. In retrospect, I handled the situation amazingly calmly. The first thing, of course, was that I had to tell Sondra a bunch of things I did not want anyone to know but especially Sondra because of her instability. In truth, I would not have put it past her at this time to wait until my entire family was together and stand in the middle of the living room and announce: �Karen was raped a few months ago. I do not feel it is right to keep this a secret any longer.�

I�m serious. That�s totally something she would have done. She didn�t, thank Christ, but I wouldn�t put it past her.

That�s not the only thing I had to tell her because evidently I was quite the topic of conversation. I also had to �remind� her of some truths she already knew but had conveniently forgotten when Mike and Laura were asking her about me. The bottom line is, I never lied to Mike or Laura about anything but they now thought I had. Not to mention the fact that they had all been sitting around gossiping abut me for several days, which was just disgusting.

But see�the thing Mike and Laura didn�t know is that Sondra�well, she talks a good game of being caring and sweet and she even comes off that way most of the time. People always think she�s terrific. And she is. Except that she has a lot of jealousy issues and misdirected anger and these two things combined to made her a complete freak at this time. It was really a terrible time for her. And the thing is, a few weeks before I had taken Sondra out to dinner to talk to her about my concerns.

See, this is the thing you do when you are concerned about someone. You take them aside and talk to them � just the fucking two of you. You DON�T go to San Francisco and discuss things with other people first.

However, the fact that I took her to dinner to ask her if everything was OK was somehow interpreted by her as an evil act. I�m serious. She totally went off on me at the time. Nobody could win with her then. If you showed concern, she yelled and screamed at you. If you then decided to leave her alone, she accused you of not caring and not being supportive. Believe me � I�ve been at both ends of that particular stick.

But her position when I called her on the carpet about all of this was �We were just so concerned about you��

I did the right thing. I hung up the phone and thought about it for a long time. The next day I called her and said, in essence: �I have decided to forgive you for all of this, but in future if you decide you are concerned about me, you talk to ME about it and nobody else.� I also told her I didn�t believe for a second that they were all sitting around talking about me that way because they cared about me. Not for a second. On her end, it was tit-for-tat because she was pissed that I had taken her to dinner to discuss the fact that I was concerned for her.

To Sondra�s credit, she did apologize to me. She also admitted that, although she may have started the conversation out of concern for me, it quickly degenerated in to �something else� in her words.

On Mike�s end�I really don�t know what was going on with him, but I can tell you that he has tremendous ego problems. Typical musician. The minute other people in the band get attention, he acts like a child. Lou was the lead guitar player, for instance. Because he�s a kick-ass guitar-player, he got a lot of attention. Then Mike started turning his amp up so he was louder than Lou. And see, Lou is not a person who is ever going to say or do anything about that kind of shit. First of all, he�s been dealing with Mike all his life and knows this will never change. Secondly, he just doesn�t care enough to make an issue out of it.

Now, Mike and I were never in any competition. We brought totally different things to that band � things the other couldn�t bring. That�s why we worked. DUH! I got a lot of attention for my singing, though, and although this was a good thing in the beginning, it started to cause problems. Actually, I�m not even the one who noticed. Other people kept saying stuff to me about it, after Mike would do something annoying to get attention.

Anyway, so my hunch is that he was kind of looking for something he could zero in on that would make me a bad person or in some way not worthy of the attention I was getting. I don�t really know. Maybe he was just sitting back and letting Sondra and Laura talk. I don�t know. I wasn�t there.

I only knew that my big secrets were out and I felt like I had been betrayed not only by my sister but by my best friend. Sadly, I expected that kind of thing from Sondra, but I was really thrown by Mike�s actions.

After I resolved it all with Sondra, I called Mike.

So how do you tell someone that you are NOT a liar? How do you tell someone that Sondra, the woman you just fixed Lou up with, is not exactly someone who can be trusted.

I tried, for a few minutes. I of course explained that if I were going to lie about something, it would be about something better than being raped. You know, I�d say I was heir to the thrown of �Franistan� or something. In the end, though, there was nothing I could say except, �Look. You know me. If you want to believe things that someone you just met (Sondra) told you about me, then I guess you don�t know me as well as I had hoped anyway.�

I don�t really remember how my talk with Mike ended, but we had like six gigs lined up at the time. My attitude was, �I�ll see how these gigs go.� Since I was pretty much the only one who ever got gigs for us anyway, I knew no others would be booked until I figured out what I wanted to do.

Ultimately, I couldn�t do it anymore Nothing was the same after that. I am not one to hold grudges and eventually Mike and I sort of resumed our friendship, but I couldn�t write songs with him anymore so that was over with. Telling him that, of course, was very hard; harder than breaking up with any guy up to that point.

Of course, now Mike and I can�t really be friends because his bitch (oops, I mean girlfriend) hates me because I said ONE stupid thing while extremely drunk and after John had broken off our engagement and I was emotionally wounded I might add; something I have apologized for. Whatever.

So Sondra saw Mike at that party a few weeks ago. In fact, she saw pretty much everyone from that time of my life.

Sondra told me that the first thing out of Mike�s mouth when he saw her was �How�s Karen?�

Ya know, dude�if you want to know how I am, why can�t you just pick up the fucking phone and ask me?

Sondra has met Mike�s new girlfriend, the dreaded Jennifer, twice before. However, as Jennifer wasn�t saying anything to her, Sondra walked over to re-introduce herself. Mike was standing there, along with a couple other guys I used to know. After Sondra says hello, Mike says to Jennifer, �You know whose sister this is, right?� Jennifer feigned ignorance and I guess Mike and the other guys made this big deal about it and then told Sondra, �Well, I only say this because, you know, Karen is on Jennifer�s Bad List.�

What the fuck?

Jennifer got pissed that he said that and frankly I don�t blame her. What the hell?

Anyway, it was stupid, but it made me start thinking about Mike, just in general. Now, as it turns out, I�m going to see him and Smithereens-Mike play a gig tomorrow night so I�ll see him anyway.

I just miss Mike, is all. The thing is, I can�t really figure out why it is that I miss him so much sometimes. Yes, he was my friend, but life goes on, ya know? I tend to obsessively think about him, though, and like all his baloney with his girlfriend and on and on. It�s stupid and I don�t understand why I still have this connection to Mike.

It�s not sexual, it�s not love. It�s just a friendship that went askew and I just can�t get him out of my system. I�m not saying I think about him every day and wonder what went wrong. But I think I miss him a bit more than I should.

Really, I think it�s because it�s playoff season. Mike and I were Laker buddies. We talked basketball all the time and have watched a number of playoff games together. This time of year makes me sentimental.

Well that and I know we�d be friends again if not for the bitch. I have contacted Mike periodically since Mocositos disbanded; I even had the band play a reunion at one of my infamous parties. Then two years ago, during the playoffs of course, he called me and asked to go to a playoff game. He even talked to me about setting up a gig or two for us�well, both the gigs and the friendship fell apart when his girlfriend decided she�s too insecure to like women and me especially.

When I was talking to Sondra about it, though, I said that it was probably a good thing we aren�t really friends anymore because then I�d still be hanging out with that whole group of people. Suffice it to say that particular group of people just really aren�t very healthy for me to hang with anyway. So it�s all good, right?

I dunno.

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~~~~~~~~~~~peace, love and smooches~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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