~~~

My landlady stole my plant.

I have four of the same plant (although in two different colors), so I really don�t care, but�how fucking weird is it that she just took my plant and moved it to her porch without asking me?

Not to mention, she keeps watering my other plants all the time. While I appreciate her kindness (maybe she felt entitled to the plant as a reward), this particular strain of plantdom does not need to be watered very often. It�s called a Christmas Cactus, the key word here being CACTUS. She�s gonna kill all my plants.

Which would be OK, really. The fact that I have four of these plants should alone be an indication that these plants are hearty little mothers (I didn�t exactly inherit my dad�s green thumb). You break off a branch, stick it in to some water and viola! In a week you have a nice healthy plant you can transplant into soil and leave on the porch for your landlady to steal. These plants need little water and I don�t think I�ve ever fertilized the things. They bloom in Winter when others don�t, too, so that�s cool.

Anyway, I�ve just had these plants for freakin� ever now. They are apparently never going to die so my only option at getting rid of them may be to give them away�or have them stolen, as the case may be.

Meanwhile, my Hydrangea (the only other plant I own that has lived long) has some bizarre disease that makes its leaves get this white film all over them. I asked my Jolly Green Giant of a Daddy what I could do about it and he said, �You know�that plant is old. You might just want to throw it out now.�

How sad! It gets old and sick so we just throw it out? I think you'll be singing a different tune when it is YOU who is old and sick, Jolly Green Giant-Daddy.

Since my landlady started watering all of my planets regularly, though, the Hydrangea is blooming like crazy and otherwise looks lovely, so I haven�t wanted to trash it. I just cut off the more icky leaves periodically and so long as it doesn�t give me its disease, I am content to let it be.

~~~

On my way to work today, driving by the fogged-in ocean (man, I love the way the ocean looks all gray in the fog), I noticed a humongous yellow tea pot in front of the Long Beach Museum of Art. Uh�I assume it�s a new installation, but it put me in the mind of that silly teapot as sung by blofeld�s girlfriend in Beauty and the Beast.

~~~

I believe I have mentioned before my co-worker Phyllis and her annoying habit of laughing to herself�I swear to Christ, people, if she didn�t outweigh me by around a hundred pounds I would have picked her up and thrown her out the window about twenty minutes ago. She has been at it for, I swear, an hour straight.

OK, yes, I am under a bit of stress today. But seriously�I swear the fact that I�ve not committed a violent crime (yet) is just proof that I am a saint and heaven-bound. No worries for me; I can sin all I want to for the rest of my life because I have more than made up for it in my enormous amount of patience in this instance.

She has a number of laughs, but all are obviously obnoxious and sarcastic; like she�s reading something that she finds amusing in that all-knowing, �This person is in for some serious shit when everyone finds out what a numb-nut he is� manner.

�huh-huh�uh-huh�uh-huh�� stuttered-laughs.

�heh-heh-heh-heh�� little evil laugh

�Hmmm-hmmm-hmmm� I�m-so-much-better-than-you-laugh

"ha-ha-ha" at-the-top-of-my-lungs-I-am-so-funny-even-though-I-am-the-only-one-who-thinks-so laugh

Lord, help me.

~~~

Speaking of The Lord�how fucking annoying is that Robin becoming on The Only Show That Matters?

A reporter said to her last night that nobody is perfect. Her response? �Well, now you�ve met Miss Robin.�

And if I hear about how Godly she tries to be one more time, she is joining Phyllis on her flight out the window.

And yet, she still didn�t get kicked off last night. I honestly believe she is only still on the show because she�s a �plus-size� gal. This gives Tyra Banks a big grandstand from which to spout her idiotic views, you see.

See, last night the bitchy ex-model judge said about Robin: �She�s fat!� and other assorted and, granted, very rude things. I didn�t like hearing it, but I heard much worse in Junior High School.

Miss Tyra took the opportunity to yell at the ex-model saying �You are the reason girls all over the world are hanging their heads over toilets right now and vomiting!�

OK, I don�t disagree with what Tyra said; of course I don�t. But puhlease! Tyra! You have done just as much damage our body images and just as much to encourage a totally unrealistic view of what women should be as anyone else, so you just get down off of that high horse, missy.

Sheesh�woman models for fucking Victoria�s Secret and is now giving lectures about the modeling industry forcing unrealistic and unattainable body images on we women�

Anyway, rather than Robin who really needs to be kicked off of the show (although, granted, it would be much less entertaining if she were), my homegirl Giselle got the boot. I felt bad for her. She�s gorgeous and I don�t think she was treated fairly. She got the boot because she shows no confidence.

Of course, last night we found out why she has no confidence. She has one of those mothers who feels it is her job to pull her child down off of some mythical high horse that no child is ever on in the first place, but it can miraculously be seen my mothers the world over.

Adrianne�s mother, contrarily, seems like a gem. And last night, she got to visit Adrianne. The whole thing was so sweet. They had a contest on their skills in giving an interview. The winner got to have one person visit them in New York. Elyse actually won and had her boyfriend visit, but she got to pick a second winner from the group and she chose Adrianne.

Adrianne was beside herself. She was just cryin� up a storm, talking about how they had been ripped off my modeling frauds and how her mom had never seen New York and she was just so excited. Ah�so cute.

The big drama last night was that everyone thinks Elyse is Anorexic because she�s so thin. She is evidently feeling tremendous pressure because of everyone examining her all the time. Never mind that she eats as much as a person that size would; never mind that her own boyfriend who visited on last night�s show said she eats all the time; never mind that she is obviously healthy and their Personal Trainer thought she pushed herself physically like nobody with an eating disorder could.

The models know best and they say she must be sick!

~~~

Also speaking of The Lord...It would appear that the 700 Club is right and we are now experiencing the End of Days. We have floods in the Southeast and�A Plague of Freakin� Locusts in Utah!

OK, they�re actually Crickets, but what�s the diff? When there is a four and a half mile wide swath of crop-eating bugs covering the freeway I don�t really care what they are.

~~~

Hey did ya�ll hear that the Max Factor heir (Andrew Luster...is it just coincidence that the Max Factor heir is named Luster?) who disappeared in the midst of his rape trial (and was found guilty and sentenced to like 180 years, in absentia) was arrested in Puerta Vallarta, Mexico this morning? YAY!

For those of you who may not know, he raped dozens of women by using a �date rape� drug that I don�t know how to spell and is apparently so new a product it�s name is not in the annals of Spell Check and even had the balls to videotape a number of his attacks.

You know�if you choose to be not only a criminal but a degenerate criminal, can�t you at least be a smart degenerate criminal? You know...try to resist the temptation to videotape your crimes.

Just a suggestion.

~~~

So last night I bought three new pair of shoes and a pair of blue jeans.

Now, how exactly does this translate into the �new stuff for my pad� I was supposed to buy?

I haven�t figured it out, yet, but I�m working on a way to justify myself and make that connection. I'll get back to you.

I think I�ve caught Barbara�s �can�t wear anything without heels� disease, though. I was shopping for sandals. However, I absolutely wouldn�t even consider a pair without a heel or a platform. I�d find a cute one, pick it up and put it right back down because had a flat heel.

This is not me. Or it didn�t used to be me.

Barbara, however, absolutely can not exit her home without some sort of heel on her shoes, preferably one more than two inches, at least. One time she even wore a sandal with a heel to freakin� Disneyland. Somewhere in the midst of walking around on Tom Sawyer�s Island, she figured out she had made a huge mistake, of course, but my point is made. I�m sure if they made high-heeled hiking boots she�d wear them too.

I bought her a pair of those supposedly-sexy, high heeled, feathered bedroom �slipper� shoes as a gift, once�it was a joke, but as she still has them I�d be willing to bet money she wears them around the house.

~~~

I can�t decide if Gary Busey is a mad genius or just�mad�as a hatter. I�m leaning toward �Craziest Motherfucker on the Planet�, actually.

I just knew this new show, I�m With Busey would become my new favorite show and so I attempted to watch it last night. While there is no denying the magic that is Gary Busey, I just couldn�t do it.

I have a hard time watching pathetic people on t.v. One wouldn�t think so, considering all the reality t.v. I watch, but such is the case. I couldn�t watch Anna-Nicole Smith�s show for this very reason�of course, I could never watch Fawlty Towers for the same reason, as well, which is rather unfortunate because it really was a funny show. I would just get all agitated in a bizarre show of empathy for John Cleese.

So anyway, somewhere in the midst of Gary�s �You keep some of the Oyster juice on your face and never wipe it off; this shows the Oyster you�re proud of him� speech I switched the channel to The Real World in order to watch slightly less pathetic people on reality t.v.

I still love me some Real World, don�t get me wrong. I�m just bitter because I auditioned for the San Francisco season and they picked that lame and thankless Cory instead of me.

And yes, I really am old enough to have auditioned for The Real World, San Francisco. Actually, I was a year too old to be on the show anyway. I don�t know why they let me through the auditions as far as they did.

And the show cracked me up last night because one of the girls was doing her darndest to ditch the t.v. cameras all night.

~~~

I picked up some pictures recently and became hugely depressed.

Leaving all modesty aside for the moment, I would like to say that I take a nice picture. I usually look better in photos than I do in real life. Because I know a few professional (and one very good amateur) photographers, I have been used as a model hundreds of times over the past fifteen years or so.

I�m not saying I�m much of a looker; I�m just saying I photograph well.

Well�as it turns out�

I�m getting old and i don�t look good in pictures anymore.

Of course, I said this exact thing to John over the weekend: �I�m sad. I�m getting old and I don�t look good in pictures anymore.�

His oh-so-sensitive response?

�Are you just now figuring that out, ha-ha-ha?�

Can you not see why I like him?

I know he was trying in his inept way to make a joke and what he actually meant was �Are you only now figuring out that you�re getting old, ha-ha-ha?�

But ya know what? Knowing that did not assuage my wanting to kick him in the teeth.

~~~

So what up with you folks out in Benton Harbor, Michigan and that riot you�ve been participating in over the last couple of days?

The way I understand it, some dude was on a motorcycle and being chased by police. He crashed his bike in front of a house in Benton Harbor and ya�ll took this is a sign that You Must Riot. Therefore, you proceeded to burn down people�s houses and businesses and cars and what-not.

You know�at least when we here in Southern California decide to burn down each other�s buildings and steal us some DVD players, we have a decent reason to do so.

~~~

And what�s up with the Guestbooks today? I can�t leave messages�you know how I love to leave messages, people! So to all of you to whom I would have written a note today�well, Hi! Thanks for the fabulous entry today! Or thanks for the great note you left for me, as the case may be!

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~~~~~~~~~~~peace, love and smooches~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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Copyright 2002-2005, Howl-at-the-Moon Words



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