Mine? Hmm�well, I didn�t do much, really. I cleaned my pad. I took a couple of walks around town. I ate a yummy Santa Fe Chicken pizza. I watched Sex and the City which thus far, thank God, is far better this season than it was last. I dropped by Linda�s house to pick up a drill and meet her new canary. I started my period three days early and we all know how fun that can be.

Oh yeah. I also may have broken up with my boyfriend.

I say �may have� because I left the proverbial ball in his court. In essence, I told him: �This is what I want, this is what I need and this is how I expect to be treated. If you want to be with me, fix it. If not, the �personal side� of our relationship stops right now.�

That is the nutshell version of the tale. I thought I'd write that here early, in an effort to be kind to those of you who do not care to read through the long-winded and quite possibly nonsensical diatribe which follows.

It all started this weekend over something stupid. As you may recall, however, I have been ruminating over the state of this affair for quite some time now; most assuredly since our trip over Memorial Weekend, but in truth since the day we decided to get �back together� (in quotes because I have never really known just how together we really are/were seeing as we�re both free to date others and we happen to live over 300 miles away from each other) lo� those many months ago.

First of all, John was supposed to bring his drill with him this weekend so that he could help me put up my new curtain rods. He forgot the drill. In a major over-reaction, finding this out over the telephone made me cry and I had to hang up. It wasn�t the fact that he forgot; it had to do with my frustration about having this way-rad apartment and not being able to get it together due to lack of funds and time. However, I knew he�d think I was being a bitch and was mad at him, so once I recovered myself I called him back and explained that �I�ve just had a lot on my mind this week is all.�

On Saturday morning, I started my period. As I wasn�t supposed to start yet, I was low on �feminine supplies� and therefore decided to walk downtown to the drug store and pick some up. John came along, of course. On the way, we strolled by a yard sale. All that happened was that I slowed down to look at a buffet table that was selling for $25. John did not want me to slow down to look at anything.

And, you know: what John wants, John gets. Or so he would like to think.

�Don�t stop,� he said. �Just keep walking.�

What? The? Fuck?

This has been going on since the beginning of our relationship. We�ll go to the mall and I�ll spend two fucking hours looking through Sharper Image with him, shopping for nothing, but heaven forbid he spend a few minutes looking at a piece of needed furniture with me. The thing is, I have no patience for this anymore.

First of all, I will stop whenever I goddamn feel like it and to look at whatever the fuck I want to look at. Don�t even try act like my father and tell me what to do, where to walk and when to stop. Second, and more importantly, we all must stop and look at things we may not be interested in but that our Significant Other is interested in from time to time and since I rarely ask you to do so, you can stop and look at this fucking buffet table for thirty seconds, mmm-kay?

Hell, I didn�t even stop; I slowed down. The truth is, I had no desire to buy the buffet table and wasn�t even going to really stop. There was a principle at the heart of this matter.

So I started a fight. I let him have it (you know, in a soft-spoken way since we were still in the street). It wasn�t really about the damn buffet table, of course, it was about how one-sided this relationship has become; about how I am sweet as pie to him on a regular basis; how I take an interest in his thoughts, ideas and opinions; how I care about his health and his well-being and about how he is one giant money�s ass.

Once we got home, I had a reasonable, if still one-sided, conversation with him. I was still extremely upset, though. I told him that I feel like he is using me; I am simply someone he is settling for right now. At the present time, he doesn�t want to try and date someone up in Santa Cruz because he is embarrassed about where he lives and doesn�t have a lot of disposable income to throw around. I also feel that when he comes down to visit me it is only because he has other family members to see down here or he wants to work on this money-making venture we started up a few months ago. When I go up north, it is because I invite myself.

From his behavior toward me I assume the following: he doesn�t care about me because he never asks how I am (even if he knows I�ve been sick, for instance; or like the fact that I told him I�d had a lot on my mind all week � enough to make me cry after something so stupid as finding out he forgot to being a fucking drill to my house - and he never asked me about any of that) and shows no interest in my life or my feelings. He doesn�t like me very much because all I ever hear is his picking on me. Every once in a while he�ll tell me I�m funny, but that is the nicest thing he ever says. If my assumptions are true, just why are we doing this?

In essence, I told him that I need someone who appreciates me for the person I am. I will not be �settled for� anymore.

Plus, I made the point that if all of his constant picking on me stems from real issues or problems he has with me and/or my behavior, he is accomplishing nothing by sniping at me because a) he never addresses any real issue head-on and in any meaningful way so I have no idea if they are real issues and b) all he does is make me angry and defensive. Even our sex life, something I have always thought was great, is included in this because the last time I was up north he made some stupid and snide comment about my lack of ability in this area, while he is apparently The Mighty King of All Orgasm-Givers. Did his snide comment accomplish anything? If he was really unhappy, did his nasty comment achieve any changes? Of course not. I got pissed, told him the way to seduce me is not to tell me how lousy I am in bed and we ended up not having sex at all that night. I still have no idea if he has a legitimate complaint or problem with our sex life or he was trying in his lame way to be �funny�.

As a side note, I absolutely abhor supposed �humor� which consists of making fun of someone else, whether in a teasing fashion or not. Maybe I can�t take a joke, but that�s who I am. John has known me for seven years now. It�s time he figured it out.

So I told him it was all up to him; he could think about it for a little while but he needed to make a decision. If he wants to be with me, I expect the picking bullshit to stop. I expect him to take a good long look at who I am and how great a girlfriend I am and start showing some appreciation. I told him that I understand that it�s hard for him; it�s easier for him to buy me something or do something for me (such as wax my car, for instance) than to tell me, but I have been compromising my expectations and needs for years now and am still unhappy about the way he treats me. I don�t think it�s too much to ask that he try some compromising now. The truth is, he doesn�t have to tell me every day how beautiful I am or how much he appreciates the fact that I do whatever, if he�d just stop the fucking constant picking I�d be happy. If my assumptions are true and he really doesn�t like me very much, that�s fine, but the personal side of our relationship ends here because it�s not fair to either of us. I explained that he deserves to be with someone he likes and that any real woman is not going to care about the fact that he lives in a mobile home right now, she�s going to care about who he is. I also explained that I deserve to be with someone who appreciates me. Even if I don�t find that person, I�d rather be happy with myself than constantly reminded of why this other person in my life in unhappy with me and constantly told that I just don�t measure up.

Unfortunately, we will still have to see each other on occasion, for business purposes. I told him if we decide not to be sexually/romantically involved anymore his visits would have to be kept to a minimum.

Plus, I didn�t tell him this but I don�t know if I�d want him staying with me because I don�t trust that we won�t end up having sex.

We had this fight on Saturday. Soon afterward, he had to take Johnny out to lunch and so was gone for several hours. He was also gone most of the next day doing stuff for his sister. He was also content, I think, to pretend we never had the fight. He�s not going to get off that easily, though. I am going to remind him tonight that he needs to think about this because I expect his answer before he visits next weekend.

The truth is, even in the best case scenario fantasy of John figuring out what a turd he has been and telling me he will make some changes, I don't hold out much hope. I mean, it's not like we haven't been over this bridge before. We have both changed for the better over the years, but there are some things that will always be, simply because neither of us has much self-esteem, and John even less than I. There are just some core truths about us that need a lot of work and we need to do that work individually before we could have a chance as a happy couple. While I am willing and in the process of trying to deal with said truths, I just don't see that happening with John. Things may change for a while, but it won't last.

I guess I'm saying that even if this isn't the end it is the beginning of the end...again...Of course I haven't told anybody about this, because I also know that we inevitably end up together anyway. I'm just gonna wait until we haven't had sex in like six months before I tell anyone we've broken up. Maybe by then it will have stuck.

Oh and how was your weekend again?

P.S. Forrest in my Guestbook, whoever you are, that was precisely my point.

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~~~~~~~~~~~peace, love and smooches~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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