I have a history of periodic depression, but that�s not really what�s happening right now. I don�t feel bad necessarily; I just don�t feel good. Ever. I have no motivation, no ambition. I am looking forward to absolutely nothing.

Usually, this is the best time of the year for me. Most years, I am happy and excited from my birthday in early October through the end of the year. I love the holidays, first of all. I also usually love my birthday (of course, I�m usually traveling on my birthday, which may be why, but still). I positively adore Halloween. I love the Autumn, even in Southern California where Autumn is really just Summer-Light. This year, I am planning a Christmas Cocktail Party and since I love to throw parties, this should be fun for me.

Instead, my birthday didn�t even feel like my birthday. I have not traveled for longer than a weekend in eighteen months. I haven't travelled for longer than five days in something like three years. I am not looking forward to the holidays at all and if I had some extra money I would talk John in to running away with me for a few days at Christmas time, so that we could just spend that time alone. I guess I will be happy to have people over for a party, but thus far I am simply dreading the amount of work involved in throwing one.

I am bored and yet somehow still stressed at work. I am not in the least excited by my work, nor do I truly enjoy the company of the people I work with. Not that I dislike anyone; I just don�t really like anyone these days, either.

I am bored and unmotivated at home. I have no desire to do much of anything. My apartment is a mess, even though every night I make plans to clean it. I make plans to go out and let them slip away with nary a care. I have little desire to see almost anybody, including my family. Nothing makes me happy these days � not my family, not my social life, not my appearance, not physical activity and especially not work.

I am unmotivated to do much on Dennis� campaign lately and beginning to feel a tad defeated in that area, also. I assume that once I am at the Breast Cancer 3-Day, participating alongside thousands of really great people, I will be inspired. Right now I am not and I haven�t walked much at all this week. Moreover, I am getting a tad irritated by the fact that I am a mere $200 short of even being able to walk in the thing. I can donate a little more money myself, but I can�t donate $200 more.

I don�t mind if I can�t participate in the walk�well, I will be disappointed, but that�s not the real issue. The thing I feel bad about is a lot of people opened their wallets only because I was participating. You know, like my sister just got back from Alaska � did she really have extra money to donate? No, but she did it anyway. And that�s just one example. That�s the stuff I�m gonna feel guilty about. Of course, the money will all still go to a very worthy cause. But the fact remains that most of the people who donated on my behalf wouldn�t have done so or at least wouldn�t have done so right now, if I had not been walking the 60 miles.

My sister Sondra told me I have to walk 60 miles even if I�m not walking with the group.

Anyway, so my point is that�I am out of whack. I have been out of whack for numerous weeks, now. My efforts at pulling myself out of the whack have thus far failed. And I really don�t know what else to do about it.

~~~

Word of the Day for Friday October 24, 2003:

arbiter AR-buh-tuhr, noun:

1. A person appointed or chosen to judge or decide a dispute.

2. Any person who has the power of judging and determining.

last / next



~~~~~~~~~~~peace, love and smooches~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Don't know why you'd wanna, but on the off-chance you may feel tempted to steal any of my words and claim them as your own, please be advised: All material
Copyright 2002-2005, Howl-at-the-Moon Words



***DISCLAIMER: These are my thoughts and my thoughts alone. If you know me in my "real life" off the net and have come across this page purely by accident, please keep in mind that you were not invited here and I would suggest you leave this page now. However, should you choose not to do so, please be warned that reading my thoughts here is not an invitation to discuss them off-line. You may discover things you do not know about me and may not like very much. Such is life. Again, this is MY space and I will use it as I see fit. If you are offended by anything here, well that's pretty much your own fault at this point. I say all of this with love, of course, but there it is.