I had started this year off with the intention of losing 15-20 more lbs. At just over 1lb/month, I could have done it. Instead, I�ve gained 7 lbs. So now I need to lose 20-25lbs. If I can just lose around 10 and get back to where I was, I�ll be pretty happy. 20-25 would be great, but I�m going to try not to stress after I lose 10. I make no promises, but I�m going to try cuz it kind of seems that I�m destined to stay at around...If I totally changed my lifestyle, I�m sure I could get down lower, but since I haven�t shown any signs of wanting to totally change my lifestyle as of yet, I doubt it will ever happen. I like food too much and I don�t like exercising enough. I don�t think that�s going to change. But I absolutely can not allow myself to gain weight, like I have so far this year. It would be far too easy for me to get back up there and I can�t do that to myself. Sure, I�m gaining weight because of depression, but I�d REALLY be depressed if I got too fat.

If nothing else, I can�t afford the whole-new wardrobe my gaining weight would necessitate. As it is, I need more clothes at THIS weight. And shoes. I really need to buy some shoes. And bras. And undies. Shoes, bras and undies are my next priority in the shopping department.

Went to Wal Mart last night and instead of the $100-$150 I was expecting to spend, I spent $222! I even forgot a couple of things and need to go back for them. Wow. That�s gonna kill me. I needed the stuff, but jeez�

Later�

I�ve only eaten two yogurts today and am not hungry, as of yet, so the Metabolife must be working. Over the past few years I�ve been doing well, as a rule, when I get in �diet mode� so hopefully I can do it again this time.

I�m thinking I�ll try again to go out by myself tomorrow night. I�m assuming I�ll go to PJ�s cuz they have live music. I just really need to make sure I don�t drink too much � even IF people are buying me drinks left and right, again. I drank way too much the last time I was there. It�s hard not to when I go out by myself. Part of it is to have something to keep me busy; part of it is nerves. It�s much easier to talk to people you don�t know when you add a little liquid courage to your system. That�s so lame of me. The last time, I kept attempting not to drink anymore � I wasn�t ordering any, I even ordered a Coke at one point. But others kept buying the drinks for me. Like I can�t say no or at least just milk that drink for a good long while? I�m such a �tard sometimes. I�m so f�n lucky I�ve never gotten a DUI. Truthfully, I don�t think it�s obvious to the outside world that I�m drunk, when I�m driving. I�m sure it�s obvious when you talk to me, but maybe not so obvious when you�re outside of the car. That�s kind of a good thing, except that it just encourages me to continue doing it, when really my judgment probably IS impaired. It�s only a matter of time before I get pulled over � even if I just get pulled over for speeding or something, any cop worth his salt is gonna know when they talk to me that I�m drunk.

I don�t drive when I�m drunk that often anymore, but I used to. And really, all it takes is two drinks for me to be over the legal limit, even though I may personally not feel a thing.

Maybe I�ll try out that place the Liquid Lounge. I think they have karaoke on Friday nights, which may be lame but at least it would give me something to do. PJ�s gets very crowded. Plus, I�m bound to run in to that guy Richard again if I go to PJ�s. Not that it would be a bad thing, really, but I don�t want to feel awkward or anything and most likely I will if I see him.

I�m so weird. I have enough confidence to go out by myself, but when I do I�m really a jumble of insecurities. I feel a little lame being out by myself, like I�m such a dork that I have no friends. It�s better than staying home alone, though, and the last time I really did end up meeting lots of really cool people. Hopefully the same thing will happen this time.

Just need to make sure I stay sober�

Even Later�

Just a bit of road rage on the way home�some a-hole of course would not let me merge on to the freeway. I have like 20 feet of merging space before I get pushed right back off the freeway and of course the motherfucker just speeds up and will not let me in. I hate fighting this shit every day and I blew a nut and honked at him and flipped him off. Then of course, after he passes me up, he moves in to the left lane anyway. Motherfucker.

Then just all kinds of people driving like little lunatics after that. I am just so sick of the idiots on these roadways who act like there is nothing more important than gaining that 10 feet and getting in front of the next guy, no matter the cost.

Ergh�

So mota for me when I get home. Mota and Buffy. Like sex and candy.

Actually, sex came in to the picture a bit, too. I was having some raunchy fantasies, here. Not about anyone in particular � just someone. John did make an appearance, but only briefly really.

I spoke with John on the phone this evening, though. He�s cool with my not having any money and offered to give me some this weekend, after he gets paid. I don�t know why he�s being so nice about money since he moved. I�m sure it�ll come back to bite me in the ass eventually. Just like always, he�ll all of a sudden get all pissed at me cuz he keeps giving me money. In the meantime, though, it�s nice to hang with someone who�s so generous. Hell, it�s not like he can�t afford it at the present time.

So I crashed pretty early, but then woke up after a few hours and now here I am. I�m afraid to smoke or take a sleeping aide because now it�s so late I may have a real problem waking up in the morning.

I can�t believe the problems I have sleeping anymore. It�s not like I even have much on my mind. The only thing I�m thinking about as I lay here is redecorating my house. Of course, that does lead me to thoughts of money and the lack thereof, so that�s not good.

Why can�t I live a more minimal life? I wish I were one of those people to whom material things didn�t matter. I try, but it doesn�t work. I just like my house to be full of nice things and am not happy unless it is. I don�t care about other peoples� houses and it�s not like I�m a snob and will only go to places that live up to my strict standards or anything. Not at all. It�s just my own dwelling that gets under my skin in this way.

I had Slim Fast and some chips and salsa for dinner. Woo-Hoo! How�s that for the Bachelorette�s dinner? I was rather hungry, but nothing sounded good. I was kind of emotionally drained after my driving experience. Thank God I don�t live in Corona anymore. That commute to-and-from Carson, when I first got this job, was killing me. Traffic really wears on my nerves. Not so much the stop and go action (although that gets to me sometimes, too, when I just want to be HOME dammit!), but just the assholeness of so many people. That really gets under my skin sometimes.

Man, would I love to move to Santa Fe�

Barbi and I were talking about that at dinner the other night. I recently had a dream that I married a Veterinarian and moved to SF and Barbi came with us and worked his front office for him. I don�t know where Arnett was. Probably cooking somewhere. J It was more of a lucid dream, I think; I wasn�t really fully asleep. I do that lucid dreaming stuff a lot, although usually the results are a lot weirder than simply �I was married to a Vet. and we moved to Santa Fe�. Anyway, so Barbi says the other night, �I wish you would move to Santa Fe.� Hey, you and me both, sista.

I may actually sit down at the �puter this weekend and begin work on a screenplay. I�ve got so many ideas � I just need to put them down on paper, for Pete�s sake. No sense in just keeping the ideas inside anymore. I don�t really know the structure of how a screenplay is put together, but I do have the script from �Sid and Nancy� at home so hopefully I can just use that as a model.

Sleepy time�hopefully�

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