�I don't know what to say about Jamie. . .I guess it's just a physical thing. He is awfully cute, I guess that is part of it. But as you know, that doesn't mean a whole lot. Sorry about your Santa Barbara guy. How did you scare off a sociologist? If anything I think he would want to study you. Just kidding. But speaking of these things....... are you mad at me for some reason? Are you unhappy with me? You just seem to not like me very much anymore. I mean, I know you love me and everything. I've been trying to figure out if it's my imagination (I have been under alot of stress) but I'm not feeling the same way with other people. So, what's up? I just feel like I bug you all the time. Let me know if there is any truth to this or I'll just put it off on my being overly sensitive right now.�

OK, now I feel horrible. I called her and explained, but I feel bad that she thought I was mad at her or something!

The thing is�as you all may know, I just haven�t been very happy lately. You know, for like, months. I mean, I�m not like walking around seriously depressed all the time or anything; I have good days and I still have fun and find joy in life�but deep down, I�m just not a happy person these days. As I think I have mentioned in these pages, I have even considered talking to my doctor about going on anti-depressants � something I never would have thought I would do, for various reasons (and still haven�t done and may never do).

Several weeks ago, I called her on the phone and I was just bawling. Afterward, I felt really bad about laying all of that on her. What with Arnett�s health, stuff with his kids and family and other stuff she deals with, I just feel like she has enough on her plate without having to worry about me � and she will worry, tremendously. And really, there�s nothing she can do to help me; I don�t even really have specific reasons for being depressed. Well, most of the time, that is. Right now I know I am lonely and that�s something I can pin-point, but as a rule�it just creeps up on me, for no apparent reason.

I wrote this poem about it, like a year ago:

There doesn�t have to be a reason
Sometimes it just creeps

It seeps
from my pores and infects my sheets
Making sleep
an impossible dream

I pray the Lord my soul to keep
Cuz I have no plans for it this eve�

There�s a black cloud on the horizon
Taking the place of a moon
that was so beautiful when risin�

I have found in talking to other people who were sexually abused that this often happens�you just get depressed and scared and for no apparent reason. The problem is that healthy people just don�t understand this. If you don�t struggle with depression, you just don�t understand that there is no easy answer. My feeling is you always want to try and help, to offer a solution. And there is none; not really. I especially have this problem with men, of course, because men like to solve problems. And Barbara is very much like a man in that way � she wants to help. And she just can�t. If I could say: �Well, this is my problem and here is what I need to do to get over it��well, come on. If it were that easy, I wouldn�t struggle with depression, now would I?

The good news is that I haven�t had any night terrors in a long time. I think it�s only happened twice since I moved in to the Rad Pad. Of course, I find that my night terrors tend to surface when I�m getting close to somebody. When John and I lived together, for instance, I had them more than ever in my life. After he and I �broke up� I started to get them when I started to get close to someone else. It will be interesting to see if it starts again, if/when I begin to get close to another man.

Um�intimacy issues, anybody?

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~~~~~~~~~~~peace, love and smooches~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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