I know he was just in a bad mood in general and it had nothing to do with me, but it was really silly (plus, when I get bitchy just because I had a bad day or whatever, he has absolutely NO tolerance for it. When we lived together, I felt like I had to be perfectly happy and blow sunshine up his ass all the time or all hell would break loose. Needless to say, I wasn�t happy all the time, I did NOT blow sunshine up his ass 24-7 and the hell broke loose on occasion). See, he wanted me to take a few measurements in my pad. On Sunday, before he left, he measured this little window cuz he�s gonna do something to it. Well, evidently he lost the piece of paper on which he had recorded the pertinent information. So he was telling me last night to re-measure. I needed to know how he wanted me to measure it - from the outside of the frame, just the inside of the window (where the glass would be), what? And he got all impatient and snippy with me.

So I told him he could tell me tomorrow (now tonight) when he could speak to me reasonably. I then asked him if he had anything else dire which needed discussion and, after hearing that he didn�t, hung up.

This was all after he did the thing that he does which I absolutely can NOT stand. He mocked me.

I really hate it when he tries to be funny (or whatever the hell it is he�s trying to do) by repeating things I have said, but in an extremely exaggerated bitch-voice or whine-voice and of course using words I did not say. I know, I know � everybody does this. But it irritates the hell out of me and it always has. And at this point � you know, seven years in to this mess we like to call a relationship � it probably irks me more that he continues to do it when he knows it bugs me so much. OK, you know this is just gonna piss me off so obviously that�s your goal, right?

Right? Am I right? Can I get an "amen"?

It irks me because when he mocks me like that it means one of the following:

1. He�s not really listening to me

2. He thinks I actually SOUND like that

3. The afore-mentioned: he�s just doing it to piss me off

Plus, he has this habit of saying things in an attempt to make me look bad. By this I mean, he says things about me which aren�t true or are taken out of context or he mimics me in this annoying manner in front of people, all in an effort to make me look bad to them. I HATE it. It�s gotten a lot better than it was when we first started seeing each other, but it still comes out and I think I view the mocking as part of that whole personality trait.

I do think he misinterprets what I say and mis-hears me quite often. I also think he just tunes me out rather often, when I�m saying stuff he doesn�t want to hear. Believe me, I have tried for years to alter the way I communicate (and have miraculously managed to do so rather well, I must say) so that he understands what I am saying and why. It rarely works. I may think it�s working, for a brief period of time, and then he�ll hit me with something in the midst of a fight or some other dilemma that just makes it plain as day that he either wasn�t listening or just pretended to understand what I was getting at so that we could move on at the time. Frankly, I vote for the former; especially nowadays, because I just don�t think he has as much invested in our relationship as I.

In all honesty, I feel like we wouldn�t be together at all except that*

1. He comes down here to visit his kids and other family-members, anyway � may as well stay with me and get laid as well!

2. He has no friends, girl or otherwise, up where he lives (outside of work friends), so hey � may as well come down here and get laid on a semi-regular basis!**

3. He�s not going to even look for a girlfriend up there until he gets a better place to live so hey - may as well come down here and get laid on a semi-regular basis!**

Don�t worry. It�s not like we had one little argument and I came up with these thoughts out of nowhere. This is all something I have been feeling and mulling over all along � at least for about the last year and a half, which is when we got "back together", after having been broken up for some time. Not much happens to make me feel otherwise. He certainly never actually says anything to me to make me feel otherwise, either.

This is why it has pained me in the past to admit that I love the guy. I don�t want to love him. He�s not the best person out there for me, in numerous ways. He may love me as much as he can love anybody***, but I even doubt that most of the time.

I know this, and yet I love.

Damn me.

Or maybe I�m just incredibly needy and no matter what he does or says, it wouldn�t be enough. I�m holding out hope for this, because in a way it�s a much more attractive alternative than "I�m in love with somebody who doesn�t love me back."

"Dang me, dang me. Buy me a rope and hang me."****

*I sure use a lot of numbered lists in my posts, don�t I?

**I know, spending most every weekend with me isn�t going to help in any of these categories. He spends way more money than he would if we weren�t hanging out so it�s harder for him to save (he wants to buy a house and up there the prices are astronomical); and he spends his free time with me, so how is he going to meet anybody else? I know these things and actually have pointed them out to him. He doesn�t seem to give it much mind, so I haven�t pushed the point. But then, he totally discounts my opinions on most things, but that�s another journal entry I guess.

***Over the past few years, I have begun to wonder if John even knows what love is and if he has ever really loved anybody. He has kids and I assume his love for them is real. I�m talking women-wise, here�I just have my doubts. Which, believe me, doesn�t make me feel all that swell since I HAVE loved him; we lived together for four years and I�ve been working on this relationship for seven.

****Who the heck sang that song, anyway?

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~~~~~~~~~~~peace, love and smooches~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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