However�I think I fucked up.

Smithereens-Mike and I were talking last night about the fact that I write a lot and I�uh�told him I write online. If he�s the least bit smart (and I think he is), he will be able to find this thing.

Do we all remember my saying I tell nobody about this journal? Only, like two freakin� days ago?

Yes, let�s all say it together: �Karen, you are a DORK!�

To begin at the beginning�

MY BOYFRIEND HAD A SEXUAL ENCOUNTER WITH THE 30 YEAR-OLD WOMAN ON THE SHOW!

OK, my favorite show was on as I was getting dressed to go out last night. On this episode, Matt and that woman (actually, her name is Stephanie and I think she seems very cool, but that doesn�t mean I want her touching my Matty!) and he shared a cabin for a night. In Matt�s words, they were �very sexual� but didn�t have actual sex. Yowza. Flip-flop went my heart�OK, and certain other body parts�**

Of course, the woman is/was married�*ahem* In Matt�s defense, he did seem to be struggling with the morality of the matter. Of course, I never heard her mention her husband�the hussy.

Anyway, my heart may just be broken into bits. No wonder I drank my dinner.

Let me just say that I actually attempted to eat an actual dinner before I went out. Well, I baked a potato anyway. I even ate probably � of it.

I went to the club and all was happy and fun. Mike seemed glad to see me, as I was him. In truth, I was also a little nervous about seeing him, as I always am, just because�well, you know�I don�t exactly know what he feels about me and frankly I don�t really know what it is I feel for him either a lot of the time, so I usually get a tad uneasy when I see him. At least until that first vodka kicks in. Luckily, I was half-way through the first one before he arrived last night.

MoFi was very good. Plus, one of the guy�s girlfriends (Tanya) is very nice and I like her a lot. I felt bad, though, because there were only a handful of people in the club. I guess going to a rock club was the last thing on the minds of most people last night. Go figger.

Anyway�I will say this: I was more attracted to Mike last night than I ever have been in the past. And we talked a lot more than usual and certainly with a lot more ease. And I�m now actually re-thinking my decision not to date him, should he ask.

I know�Didn�t I also say recently that I would date no more musicians?

Evidently, I am not a woman of conviction.

We had a groovy time, he walked me to my car, yadda-yadda-yadda (and no � no kiss or nuttin�. I did not just �yadda-yadda sex�). I got home just after 1:00, I think. My phone rang at about 1:30. The dude called me at 1:30am and I didn�t even hang up on him. Nor did I run screaming in to the night when he said that he called because he couldn�t stop thinking about me. In fact, we talked until about 3:30 at which point it occurred to me that I had to wake up and go to work in three hours, so I should probably get some sleep.

So I woke up this morning practically shitting my pants because I told him about my online writing. Dilemma. Should I fork over the cash for a Gold account and make that private folder I was just talking about like two days ago? (Man, I just have to say again that I can�t believe what an idiot I am sometimes.) Should I just delete all of my old entries as I have them on disk anyway? What to do�

In the end, I decided to stick to my guns and adhere to my previous line of reasoning which is that this is my brain space. If people don�t like my brain space, they have every right to leave this page. I told Mike specifically that I didn�t want him to go searching the net in an effort to find this thing. I don�t know him well enough to know if he would do so anyway, but should he decide to ignore my request I guess he�d just better be prepared for what he reads here. And I guess if that means he gets hurt or angry and never talks to me again that�s just the way it�s going to have to be. The truth is, I have thought all of the things here, for better or worse. Even had I not written them down, I still would have thought them, ya dig?

Jeez, I make it sound like I�ve said bad things about Mike. I haven�t, of course. I�ve just expounded upon my thoughts which have always struggled with exactly where I want this guy to be in my life and all of that b.s.

Conversely, maybe this is a good thing�should he read the journal, Mike would get to know me a whole hell of a lot better. This would enable him to make an informed decision as to whether or not he would even want to date an Extremely-Liberal-Pornography-and-Reality-TV-Watching-Outdoorsie-DORK-Who-Still-Cares-Way-Too-Much-About-Her-Supposedly-Ex-Boyfriend. He�d already know about a lot of my flaws, fears and peccadilloes before we even left the station, you know? He�d already know that should we ever sleep together, he�s liable to wake up black and blue from my beating him up in his sleep. Hell, if he still wanted to date me after reading all of the b.s. in this journal�well, hey � at least I�d know it was about more than just my cleavage.

**Hey, did ya�ll catch my ever-so-clever, but subtle tie-in to Bill Clinton with the �that woman� reference, as well as intimating that some people�s guidelines as to what constitutes having sex are�different�than others? Yeah, I know�it was so subtle that it was all probably lost�Luckily, I have added this postscript in which I may point out my cleverness.

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~~~~~~~~~~~peace, love and smooches~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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Copyright 2002-2005, Howl-at-the-Moon Words



***DISCLAIMER: These are my thoughts and my thoughts alone. If you know me in my "real life" off the net and have come across this page purely by accident, please keep in mind that you were not invited here and I would suggest you leave this page now. However, should you choose not to do so, please be warned that reading my thoughts here is not an invitation to discuss them off-line. You may discover things you do not know about me and may not like very much. Such is life. Again, this is MY space and I will use it as I see fit. If you are offended by anything here, well that's pretty much your own fault at this point. I say all of this with love, of course, but there it is.