So many vital topics to discuss and now I can�t remember any of them. I will instead, therefore, begin by discussing that most wonderous of television shows. Yes, I am referring of course to America�s Next Top Model!

I have no idea why you would not know about this delightful little showcase of and commentary on popular culture, but in case you have been living in the back woods of Appalachia or somewhere which may not actually get the UPN, let me explain. It is a complicated show, but I shall try to keep my explanation lucid and limited.

A bunch of pretty women are all together in New York, competing to be a model. Each week, someone is eliminated from the competition by a panel of judges.

OK, so it�s just another �reality� show. But how much fun is this crap anyway? Man, this show is fab!

First off: The Judges.

I have something to say about one of them and that is this uber-model from the seventies or some other lost decade called Janice Dickinson.

She�s a bitch. That�s what I have to say.

(And also � what is UP with that cleavage in that press photo???? Yikes! I think we�ve found Saddam�s missing weapons of mass destruction.)

And I have a question for Kimora Lee Simmons: What the hell is a �hip-hop socialite?�

Now, I don�t really have anything against Tyra Banks. She�s obviously beautiful and she seems like a fun gal. Never bothered me. That said�I realize she created this show and is Exec. Producer and all of that hoo-haw, but isn�t this show supposed to be about America�s NEXT top model? Because there is an awful lot of Trya to be seen here, folks. She�s all over the web page, all over the print ads for this show. On the show itself, they show Tyra talking to the gals, Tyra instructing the gals, Tyra showing off how NOT to walk a runway and Tyra showing us what to do in a photo shoot. Oh and then there is a few moments of footage including others.

Tyra, Trya, Tyra�wassammata, girl? You don�t get enough attention as it is?

OK, on to the more important issues and that is, of course The Models.

Now, when I watched this show last week, I thought I liked Elyse, the medical student and far-too-thin brunette pixie-girl who looks like she should be modeling next to Jeannie Tipton. I think I must have missed much of the show last week or something because when I watched the repeat of it last night? Um�man, that girl is kind of a jerk. I know she�s intelligent and all�well, I assume she is, seeing as she�s a medical student. Plus, she keeps reminding everyone that she�s �smarter than the other girls" and made sure to point out in her bio that she graduated with a double-major in three years. I�m sure hanging out with women who care almost exclusively about their appearance might tend to get on a gal�s nerves. She did mention at one point that she had been in a bitchy mood for a couple of days, too, so maybe she's not always a jerk.

Well, either the show took that couple days� worth of footage and just kept exploiting it (entirely possible) or that gal seriously needs to learn how to play well with others.

I mean, jeepers, we all think we�re smarter than that cute girl sitting next to us and find her conversation �vapid�. But that doesn�t give us a reason to be a straight up bitch, yo!

(Dontcha just love it when I use street lingo? I�m so fucking hip, it�s tragic.)

Plus, the minute I heard her say (repeatedly, I might add) �I don�t want to be a model, I don�t want to be a model, I don�t want to be a model. Kick me off the show, please.� I was all, �Fine � kick her ass the hell off! I�m sure the other gals would appreciate their improved odds.�

She�s still there, though. And actually, the bitchiness has subsided somewhat. And she really is my favorite, as far as looks are concerned; plus I like that she is a medical student...or will be, should this modeling career not work out. Not only is she still on the show, she is pretty much kicking everybody�s ass. On last night�s show, she won a make-up application competition and got to go to a groovy industry shin dig. She got to take three �friends� with her. Of course, since she pretty much hates every other model there, she gave two slots to gals who had helped her in some way and the other slot was filled by someone random and that person was�

Robin.

Robin has just GOT to go. Robin is the Josh Gracin of America's Next Top Model.

The only reason I can find to like Robin at all is that she�s a supposed �plus size� (a term I seriously detest, by the way) model and, you know, I�d like to see societal standards for what is supposed to be beautiful broadened a little. Well, she is also pretty but so is everyone else on this show. Like, duh.

The reasons I do not like Robin:

1. She�s an idiot.

2. She had total Donna Summer hair (hey, I like Donna Summer, but it ain�t 1975 no mo� folks) and last night they gave her a lovely new sleek and lighter look during a makeover. She looks ten times better and even younger (and since at 26 she�s practically over the hill in the modeling world, she needs the help). The problem is, she hates her hair and pouted about it and threw a fit last night. The �tude pert-near got her kicked off the island (of Manhattan�man, I�m clever) last night so I can only hope it resurfaces again soon so that she really is eliminated.

3. She is a Jesus freak who is�well, a complete freak about it. Last week, she led a community prayer for the likes of the next on our list�

Ebony.

Ebony is an utter WACKADOO!!!!!

She is really so lovely, it is just a shame that the woman is a complete nutt-job. She just goes off on these emotional tirades and there is no shutting her up, apparently. And no communicating with her either, since all she wants to do is yell until she falls asleep or something.

This is some good t.v., ya�ll.

Now see, the oh-so-Christian Robin prayed for our fair Ebony because of the following: They have little mini-competitions each week and last week�s winner got to take three other gals and hang out with Wyclef for the evening. Right after they left for their night out, the others found out they had a photo shoot early the next morning. Robin, being the good Christian gal that she is, ran down to make sure the Wyclef-four knew about it before they left. Ebony said that she would not have gone out of her way to tell them.

Her point was, this is a competition. She wants to win. Apparently, by any means necessary.

Well, Miss Robin just thought that was dastardly so she decided to talk to Ebony about it. When Ebony�s reaction was to launch in to a diatribe (of course), Robin gathered everybody around in a hand-held circle to pray for her to be a good competitor.

See? This is some damn good television.

Which brings me back to Elyse. Elyse is an Atheist. Robin has a problem with that and last week really insulted Elysa by pointing out to her a bible verse which essentially told Elyse she was stupid. In just that word, too. Robin said, �I read this and thought of you. What do you think of that?�

It was so very, very rude.

Were I Elyse and an Atheist, I would have totally gone off on Robin for being so rude and disrespectful. And let me just say that calling someone an idiot for not believing in God is pretty lame. I myself am not an Atheist, but I would think it would be very, very easy for an Atheist to turn that whole �stupid� argument against you, the Christian. What sounds more stupid than believing there is a big fairy in the sky who created the universe and is controlling everything down here, especially in light of all the horrible things that happen down here, even to Christian people? I mean, Christians aren�t Christians because it�s logical to be one, so that was really a huge mistake�or it would have been, except that Elyse just let it pass (although she snarked about it in �the confessional�). I guess maybe she�s only snotty about her intelligence in private.

Anyway, the whole �prayer-vigil� for Ebony�s benefit upset Elyse, naturally. Although why she felt the need to participate at all was beyond me, but whatever.

Next up is Nicole, better known as �The One So Obsessively in Love with Her Controlling Boyfriend That She Lost Her Shot and Got Booted Last Night.�

Um�I guess that�s pretty much her, in a nutt-shell. Her boyfriend was jealous that she was off in NYC working on her career and so he never returned any of her calls and ignored her until she was so upset that basically she fucked up to the point of being eliminated. He actually said to her that he was afraid she was meeting new guys and he knew if he ignored her, she would come running back to him. She heard this and yet fell right in to it anyway.

She�s the only �eliminated� gal I�m going to discuss and only because I just found that whole episode so lame and yet so real that I had to mention it. I know so many women who would have done the exact same thing. It�s really sad, but I guess that�s off topic and way too serious a conversation to be having in the midst of this entry.

Well that and I just had to mention that the makeover situation last night pissed her off in a major way because she had just spent $1500 on hair extensions before going on the show and they were yanked out.

And then she got kicked off. DOH!

Bet she�s really pissed off about the extensions now�

Adrianne may possibly be my new favorite. First of all, I swear to Christ she�s high on the weed most of the time. That or the girl just does not get enough sleep. Ever. She can barely muster up the energy to open her mouth fully in order to speak.

She looks really good, though, especially after last night�s makeover.

Another thing to love abut Adrianne is that she overcame what appeared to be a horribly severe case of food poisoning to show up at the elimination ceremony because if she didn�t show it would not have mattered how great she�s been doing; she would have been gone and Nicole�s boyfriend would have had to wait an extra week to work his conniving evil on her in person. That poor thing looked so sick.

Plus, evidently her family is poor and so she really needs this modeling gig. Gotta love an underdog story.

Giselle happens to be from Corona, California - a place I spent the longest year of my life. It is the armpit of hell.

She�s cute, though.

Shannon? She�s just boring and my only thoughts are that she needs to a) close her mouth or a fly is going to end up in her gullet and b) move along�right after Robin.

Kesse is a baby who needs to grow a backbone or get herself into another career post-haste or her self-esteem may never recover. Plus, she looks eerily like Tyra in her pictures.

OK, I need some enlightenment, here...This gals name is pronouced "Kizzy". You know, like the slave on Roots. All I can think of when I hear her name is "Please no, don't take my Kizzy!" Which is what the slave-Kizzy's mom was yelling after her as she was being sold off.

I used to act out this scene for my family when I was a kid. Yes, I was very weird, but when you consider that I had a reddish-brown, tightly-curled white-woman's afro at the time and very dark, almost black skin...well, it was an Oscar-worthy performance, let me assure you. However, this is not what I should be thinking about while watching Kizzy...oops, I mean Kesse cry after that Janice Dickinson person just said something negative about her catwalk action. Something strikes me as a tad racist in this scenario...or perhaps I am just suffering the repurcussions of living in this Politically Correct era.

But I digress...

In summation, this is the best damn show ever. Yes, I said it. Even better than Homicide, better than Law and Order better than Seinfeld, even better than Joe Millionaire.

America's Next Top Model: Mighty Fine T.V.

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