So I was just sitting in my car, delighted to be eating my sammich from Subway, when the new Red Hot Chili Peppers song comes on the radio. Well, at least it�s new to me. I really have no idea how actually �new� it is, since I don�t listen to the radio much. The state of today�s music is just so...disheartening that I can�t stomach it. But I digress. Anyway, the crux of the song was something about seeing your �love stream� and how wonderful that is.

Um...are we talking about female ejaculation here or does Anthony Keidis have a special fondness for urination?

By the way � remind me to tell you about the time I thought I had pee�d in my boyfriend�s mouth. You know, because I don�t really reveal enough intimate details about myself here.

Also by the way � am I a total dork for getting all choked up watching the wedding of Carmen Elektra and Dave Navarro on Mtv? Also, who knew Dave Navarro was such a woman? I guess being a rock star leads one to worry about such things as one�s hair-do and how shiny one�s shirt is. I guess. Oh and also apparently when you stop doing drugs, you start doing yoga. And I won�t even mention the fact that he wears more makeup on a daily basis than I do when I am going out on a date in a Dolly Parton costume, because that much I already knew.

So, as inferred above, I went to Subway to get a sammich for lunch. And can I just tell you how rude I find those Subway dorks to be? You all know of my fear of condiments...well, every time I go to Subway, I swear every time, not just one but many of their sandwich wranglers or whatever the hell they�re called make a comment about my boring, plain sammich. Yes, I said Roasted Chicken on wheat with no oil or mayo or anything � just lettuce and bell peppers thank you very much. Do you have to comment on it like I�m something inhuman, to be mocked and picked upon? I can hardly be the only one who has you make a plain sammich. I mean, that what�s-his-face guy has made your shop very popular by talking about how he lost like three thousand pounds by eating Subway sandwiches. I really don�t think he lost all that weight eating sandwiches with mayo, for Pete�s sake. And by the way, do you comment on everybody�s food choices? I mean, did you say to that fat guy over there in the corner, �Seriously, dude...I don�t think you need another Meatball sandwich�?

Sheesh.

And speaking of things that happen all the time�how many times does a person really need to hear Aerosmith�s �Dream On�? I mean, yes � it�s a good song and all�or at least it was the first 2.2 million times I heard the damn thing! It�s starting to lose its appeal. Every time I leave my office for lunch I hear it on the radio on my way back to work. Every. Time. Now, granted, I don�t leave my office for lunch very often, but considering the fact that I hear that song every time I do, I think I can rightfully assume it is played every day at that time (yes, I dropped that Statistics class, but some of what I learned has obviously stuck with me). On the classic rock station, yes, but we do have many decades of rock to choose from. I would think that station�s programmers could come up with more options than �Dream On.� Even a different Aerosmith song will do.

And now we shall discuss a topic near and dear to my heart�Howard Stern.

In case the subtlety of my humor is lost on you, my adoring public, I am totally being sarcastic in that statement. But we shall discuss him nonetheless. Particularly, we will discuss the fact that his show has been yanked from many stations and he is basically being told by his employers what he can and can not say on the stations which remain. This all is happening due to post-Janet�s-boob hysteria. They also had to stop doing one of my favorite segments on the Kevin and Bean show last week � �Sex U� � for the very same reason.

Now, my immense dislike for Howard Stern aside, isn�t it a tad ridiculous to get mad at him now and to ask him to alter what he has been doing for what, like a decade now? This is who he is; this is what made him famous and, might I add, this is what made you and your station(s) one hell of a lot of money over the past several years. All of a sudden you grew a conscience or something? All of a sudden, naked girls standing in front of a group of hideous, drooling men picking apart and critiquing their body, piece by pathetically low on self-esteem piece, has lost its appeal for you?

These people are the worst kind of hypocrites. They don�t give a shit what kind of degrading, sexist, bigoted baloney they have on the air, so long as it�s making them money. As soon as there is a public outcry loud enough to affect their bottom line, they all of a sudden grow a pair and pull the shit off the air. Convenient scruples, I suppose.

In the bigger picture, I find it scary that we, the public, are so all-consumed by Janet�s boob when we are losing, on average, one soldier a day in Iraq. And by �losing� I don�t mean �lost� to be found again.

And yes, I did notice how many commas there are in that sentence. My point remains the same.

I just thought, for several minutes, that it was Thursday today. And I was thinking, �Man, I keep thinking it�s Friday. What a let down.�

How do you spell sleep deprivation?

My contacts are still filmy and they�re driving me batty(er). And my right boob is now o�er-spilling my bra. You can totally see it through my shirt. Yippee. Because, you know, the men around here need more reason to stare at my breasts inappropriately. And I really don�t think the boob was o�er-spilling until after I went to Subway at lunch.

Man, that could be a great marketing tool�eating at Subway makes your boobs bigger?

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~~~~~~~~~~~peace, love and smooches~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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