I asked him what exactly he�d hoped to accomplish by showing her the email; he had no answer. I screamed, I yelled. I advised him that I didn�t do anything wrong, I just told the truth (truth that I basically said to her on the phone anyway. I didn�t use the word �irrational� when she called me, pissed off at nothing, but I may as well have). But his showing her the email was cruel. I may have told the truth, but that doesn�t mean she wants to read it. I told him I couldn�t believe he would be that mean to her. Furthermore, in the process he had totally �fucked me.�

We didn�t talk (yell) long. In the end, I told him that I had tried to maintain our friendship over the years in spite of a lot of stuff and he had just ruined it. Then I said that I didn�t think I could ever be his friend anymore.

And you know what? Right now, I hope it turns out that way. I don�t want to be his friend; I don�t even really want to be her sister and if anyone has any ideas as to how I can get out of it, please clue me in. I don�t get anything out of either relationship, anyway. It�s all about trying to help them out and trying to be supportive of my insane sister. People, believe me when I tell you that I could write a freakin� book about all of the Sondra insanity I have had to deal with over the years. I just can�t do it anymore. And as far as Lou goes, I have overlooked some mighty big sins and personality flaws, all in the interest of keeping the peace, being his friend and not hurting Sondra. And for what? Like I said � it doesn�t pay off for me.

I know what I said in my email was harsh. A) That doesn�t mean it wasn�t true. B) He has said that very thing to me about Sondra on more than one occasion (of course, I never ran to tell her) C) She wasn�t supposed to be the one reading it.

That said�even though she did read it�this is the same woman who, only last week at Linda�s, told me I am �demanding.� Why am I demanding? Because I was asking them to email me copies of the pictures they took at my Christmas Cocktail party. The last time I went to see the Goodfellas (a few weeks ago), she went off on me, yelling at me for several minutes because I�m a �flake.� Yes, she was drunk. I don�t care, she still did it. At least she stopped that bullshit when I finally said to her: �This is a really stupid conversation and it had better end right now or I am leaving.� There was a time when she just would have kept on badgering me, regardless.

My point is, I may very well be demanding. I may well be a flake, at times (although, in my defense, it�s not like I just don�t show up. I call you and tell you I�m not gonna show up and usually more than a day in advance). Those are flaws. We�ve all got flaws. She pointed them out to my face and not at all in a nice way. Yes, I was irritated. Did I throw a huge hissy fit, call her a bitch and cause major drama over it? Of course not.

Nobody likes to hear about their flaws. But they are there and the bottom line is that doesn�t mean I don�t love her. Which I also said in my email, by the way.

And really, when you think about what I actually wrote � it�s not even that big of a deal. I can understand why it would make her mad for a while, but she will blow it way out of proportion. I know what is going to happen, now. Like last year, she will not speak to me for several months and will most likely stay away from family gatherings for just as long. In truth, those gatherings are always much more peaceful when she�s not there, anyway, and I am not the only one who notices it. Knowing me, I will let everything blow over once she decides to become part of the family again. But I do not want that to happen, this time. I really don�t. I am so sick of the roller coaster ride that is my sister Sondra and I am beginning to think that my being understanding and trying to work around her issues is only enabling her.

As far as Lou goes, I get nothing from that friendship anymore. In fact, he makes me feel uncomfortable more often than not. I don�t like being alone with him anymore at all and I haven�t for a few years. This is just the last straw. I am still shocked that he would do this totally nonsensical thing, but maybe I needed him to do it anyway � to push some things along that needed to happen.

The truth is, if these people were not members of my family, they would have been out of my life long ago. Sondra can be toxic. Lou, at the very least, is an ineffectual enabler. That�s at best. I am beginning to look back at a lot of things and believe that he is downright cruel, lazy and selfish as hell. Of course, I'm mad right now but perhaps it's best to look at him in this mood. As a rule, I am far too easy on people and forgive them far too many times.

There are plenty of family members who only see each other on holidays, if even then � I can certainly be one of them. Unfortunately, my family isn�t really like those families and if I resolve not to deal with Sondra that means I will either have to isolate myself from the rest of them or she will.

The good news is that I feel much better. I feel strong. I talked with my work-friend Nancy yesterday evening and she pointed out that I didn�t do anything wrong and didn�t even say anything that wasn't true. Funny how it took her to point that out to me, but I�m sure glad she did.

And I must say thank you to those of you who left me such nice notes in my guestbook. It was really very nice of you to reach out to a stranger such as myself and the supportive words are very much appreciated.

~~~

Word of the Day for Friday April 23, 2004

scapegrace SKAYP-grayss, noun:

A reckless, unprincipled person; one who is wild and reckless; a rascal; a scoundrel.

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