My �date� with Van Friday night was OK, but nothing to write home about. He�s a nice guy, but too young for me and nothing is going to happen, there.

On Saturday, John and I went to a late-lunch/early-dinner at a really nice Italian restaurant in Naples that I hadn�t been to before. Then he went off to hang out with his friend Brandon while I got ready to go see the band-with-the-incredibly-stupid-name. Somewhere in the midst of my getting ready, the HD and I talked on the phone.

I was glad he called me, especially in light of the things he said. Had he waited to tell me in a public place, I might not have been very happy about it. In truth, I wasn�t very happy about to begin with, but I had time to be unhappy and get over it before we went out.

And how�s that for vague?

The HD didn�t say anything bad. What he did was tell me was that he�s stopped drinking and he�s going back to church in an effort to �clean up his act� and be a better father and he told me all about his baby-mama drama. He came clean about some things that had gone on in the last week and how they upset him. His baby-mama, you see, is seeing someone new. And this upsets the HD; supposedly because in the process of seeing this new fella she is neglecting her son. It also seems rather apparent, however, that the HD is still hung up on the ex and that is the true reason for his being bothered.

So I now know this is why he�s been pretty much incommunicado (although he also mentioned that he hadn�t heard from me in two weeks, as if he expected I�d call him). While I understand his being upset, the fact of it did not make me feel all that great.

Oh and also, apparently having sex with the ikss makes one feel so repentant as to give up booze and go to church.

On top of this little bit of news, John accepted a job offer � a new job up North. Meaning, he won�t be moving back down here.

Now, we�ve been discussing the possibility of John moving back down here (and in with me, at least temporarily) for several months. No decision had been made, of course; we didn�t even know if that was something we wanted to happen. It�s just been on the table. I also knew that he had this job interview last week, as we had discussed the pros and cons of his taking the job all week long. So it didn�t exactly come as a surprise that he accepted the offer. However, that doesn�t mean I wasn�t a little upset about it, deep down.

First of all, he just announced that he was taking this new job, without even mentioning the fact that we had been talking for months about the possibility of his moving back in with me and what that might mean. I have even been putting off moving, in part because I was afraid I�d move and then he�d accept a job down here and we�d be cramped in to a tiny apartment together, needlessly. Even temporarily, that would suck, especially since I have no desire whatsoever to move in the first place.

Knowing that John isn�t moving down here affects me financially, as well as personally. It means that I now know I have to move and I really have to do it as soon as possible. This means that I can not go to Santa Fe next month, as I had planned. It just doesn�t make financial sense for me to go spend all of that money on a trip when I should be spending it on moving expenses. Plus, what happens if/when I make all of these plans and buy an airline ticket and everything and then Barbara and Arnett have to back out, because of his health? The two things, combined, made me cancel my trip. I had to tell Cathy and Linda the bad news this morning. I feel doubly-rotten because I know they won�t go without me and so I have let them down, big time.

So financially, the whole thing upsets me. I can�t go to Santa Fe, like I want to, and I have to move out of an apartment I love. Not only is moving a general pain in the ass, but�I really love the Rad Pad and I am sad about having to move. But the truth is, it is just not realistic for me to live there by myself. I can not save anywhere near the amount of money I need to save in order to buy a house before I�m forty.

To top it off, of course this means my relationship status remains where it has been for the past few years. I have mixed emotions about this. Part of me realizes it is really for the best, of course. And I do like being free to see other people. But there is no denying that John is a very big, very real part of my life and remains so, even after all of these years. Part of me has to wonder exactly why that is and if we couldn�t be meant for each other. But then, part of me just thinks we�re friends and, for now anyway, it�s very easy and convenient to include added �benefits�.

I have no easy answers for this.

What I do know is that, even though I understand all of the �whys� and �wherefores� and circumstances surrounding both John�s situation and the Hunky Drummer�s�what it felt like on Saturday was that I�d just been rejected by not one but two men who I happen to like a whole lot.

So hey � let�s party!

I ended up having fun Saturday night, except that I drank too much for someone who was driving home (oh and I also disclosed to my brother, Mark that I�ve participated in a threesome or two. That�s just not something one�s brother needs to know). I was almost OK when I left the bar, but was far drunker by the time I got home. So then I was pissed at myself for driving. Still am, actually.

Oh and then I went upstairs and had a little breakdown in front of John who almost left in the middle of it.

Eyah. It was all great fun.

I was OK on Sunday. We got up early and walked about three miles to a restaurant to have breakfast. Then walked home, of course. It felt good to get outside and get moving (even though my thighs were killing me from dancing all night long). Startlingly, I wasn�t even hungover.

Saturday night with the HD was OK�I didn�t really know how to approach him, in light of everything he had just told me over the phone. I was a little uncomfortable about it, but I did tell him that we could just hang out as friends � that we didn�t have to expect anything else to happen between us. I sure wish he wasn�t so fucking cute, though. I think I�m all hard as nails and don�t want to have anything to do with him and then I see that fucking smile and those crazy dimples�oh and then during their last set, he took off his shirt while he was playing!

Jesus. I am only so strong, people.

The Satellite Dogs are playing tomorrow night. The last time I saw them, the HD mentioned he�d like to go next time. So I�m thinking of calling him this afternoon and inviting him. I think I�m gonna get shot down, but at least I will know I made the effort to let him know everything is OK between us. If it doesn�t work, so be it, but at least the ball will then be securely back in his court. I still do not understand at all why I give such a huge shit about the HD to begin with, but I obviously do so I guess the �why� doesn�t even matter. If today�s invite doesn�t work, though, obviously that will be the end of my efforts in his regard.

Tonight, I am having Sondra and Amy over to drink wine, eat pizza and watch the finale of American�s Next Top Model. Should be great fun.

~~~

Word of the Day for Tuesday March 23, 2004

woebegone WOE-buh-gon; -bee-, adjective:

1. Beset or overwhelmed with woe; immersed in grief or sorrow; woeful.

2. Being in a sorry condition; dismal-looking; dilapidated; run-down.

last / next



~~~~~~~~~~~peace, love and smooches~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Don't know why you'd wanna, but on the off-chance you may feel tempted to steal any of my words and claim them as your own, please be advised: All material
Copyright 2002-2005, Howl-at-the-Moon Words



***DISCLAIMER: These are my thoughts and my thoughts alone. If you know me in my "real life" off the net and have come across this page purely by accident, please keep in mind that you were not invited here and I would suggest you leave this page now. However, should you choose not to do so, please be warned that reading my thoughts here is not an invitation to discuss them off-line. You may discover things you do not know about me and may not like very much. Such is life. Again, this is MY space and I will use it as I see fit. If you are offended by anything here, well that's pretty much your own fault at this point. I say all of this with love, of course, but there it is.