~~~

So here�s how I wrote about it in an email to Barbara this morning:

�Speaking of David/Jamie�no, I haven�t heard a peep. Can you believe that? I�m actually not even pissed about it, though. I think it�s because I know he�s gonna call me again. It may not be until next week, but I think he will. I really think he is just clueless as to how one is supposed to behave in situations such as these. You know, he�s busy so he just thinks, �Well, I�ll call her when I�m available.� It�s not a big deal. I don�t expect much to come of the whole thing, either, so maybe that�s why the flaky factor doesn�t bother me right now. Of course, if something does become of this, we�d have to have a discussion about the Flaky Factor.

�Or I�m wrong and he�s just a jerk. I�ve certainly been known to be wrong about men before, on occasion.

�He sure is darn sexy, I tell ya. Sex-Ay!�

All of which is true�or at least, it was, until today. Maybe it�s the fact that I feel like a fat cow lately, I dunno. But today, I am starting to feel bad about the fact that the Hunky Drummer has not called me since Friday afternoon (he did call in the afternoon, after he got off work). You know, when he said, �Why don�t I give you a call later and we can hang out; maybe get something to eat?�

He didn�t sound weird or like he wasn�t really going to call me (I can usually pick up on that sort of thing, with guys). And if you don�t want to see me, why call at all? But he didn�t call "later". And as of right now, 12:30 on Wednesday afternoon, he still hasn�t.

And I am starting to feel very bad about that. Because, for all of my sexual liberation, for all of me talking about how little we have in common, for all the warning signs flashing in my head about him, I really kinda like this guy. And now I�m starting to feel like I made a big mistake in sleeping with him � because, you know, some guys are still old-fashioned about that sort of thing (usually I have little use for such men, because I do what I want when I want to do it and don�t feel there�s any room for a double-standard about such matters). Even if that is not the case, he may be feeling embarrassed because, let�s face it � we were a tad on the drunk side and judging from the hangover the kid had the next morning, he may have been a tad more drunk than I, even. Maybe he made the mistake and now feels uneasy about it. He doesn�t seem the type to jump in to bed with just anyone, as a rule.

Of course, I could be wrong about that. I only slept with him; it�s not like I know him very well.

I don�t know. I only know that I want the little poophead to call me and he hasn�t and today I�m feeling all sixteen years old about it. And the thing is, if he doesn�t call me before Friday, I know I won�t hear from him until next week because he already told me he is going to San Diego for the weekend (his sister lives there and it�s her birthday) and I just made plans to go up to Santa Cruz for the weekend, myself.

It is amazing, though, how the mind works; at least my mind. Rather than thinking he�s a jerk for not calling me and that he obviously doesn�t deserve me anyway (like all righteous women do when this sort of thing happens), my mind today has been going over that night�s activities and wondering just what I did wrong; or thinking that I am, in fact, a fat farm animal and he is now slightly disgusted at having bedded down with swine*.

This is not good and I shall blame PMS.

I am also starting to wonder about my motives at sleeping with him in the first place, if you want to know the truth. But again � I blame the PMS. I was fine with all of this until this morning and I think I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed or something. I mean, seriously�this is not a big deal. I already knew he was a flake and I slept with him anyway. I approached the whole thing very casually and I just need to stay in that mind-set. (ikss - think more like �Samantha� than �Charlotte.�)

Right?

Here�s another thing that�s kind of bugging me, though�the whole escapade is kind of making me doubt my instincts about men. I wrote before about Troy. Although I�ve dated plenty of men since John and I officially �broke up� a few years ago, Troy was really the only one (up until now) who made my heart go pitter-patter in a major way. And I blew that. I totally misread him and the situation and I got hurt, much as a result of my own stupidity.

So last night, which is when these fears and insecurities began to creep up on me, I was talking to Sondra about this HD situation. She claims to know that he likes me, but thinks he is just a flake who has no idea that his actions (or non-actions, as the case may be) are interpreted the way they are. That, basically, he�s just clueless and, �I wonder if that�s why he doesn�t have a girlfriend.�

Anyway�I am obviously going thru some self-doubt and having a low self-esteem day. And all because of some guy. Some guy who, if he does have a �problem� with the fact that we slept together already, or is now thinking he made a mistake, whatever the reason � I mean, aren�t those his problems? Why do I suddenly feel it�s all a reflection of something I did wrong?

And why do I care so much when I keep saying it�s a casual relationship anyway and will never go anywhere beyond that?

You know, I used to have a lot of male friends. Over the years, their numbers seem to have dwindled and downright disappeared. I could really use a male friend to talk this over with, right now. Somehow, I don't think I should discuss this with John.

Oh and to make matters worse - last night's episode of America's Next Top Model did NOT deliver Shandi's illicit affair with a young Italian stud, as promised. Instead, it was a re-hash of everything which has happened on the show up until now.

Sheesh.

*OK, yes � that�s a slight exaggeration. I just wanted to use the phrase �bedded down with swine� in some manner. But the heart of that statement remains true anyway.

~~~

Word of the Day for Wednesday March 10, 2004

patrician puh-TRISH-un, noun:

1. A member of one of the original citizen families of ancient Rome.

2. A person of high birth; a nobleman.

3. A person of refined upbringing, manners, and taste.

adjective:

1. Of or pertaining to the patrician families of ancient Rome.

2. Of, pertaining to, or appropriate to, a person of high birth; noble; not plebeian.

3. Befitting or characteristic of refined upbringing, manners, and taste.

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