So�how was your weekend, miss ikss?

It was grand, thank you.

(OK, �grand� may be overstating things a bit, but here�s how it went:)

Saturday morning Cathy and I went on a little kayak trip and bar-b-que with the Outdoors Club I have belonged to for some months now. We left from Sunset Beach mid-morning and kayaked through Huntington Harbor. The bar-b-que was a $5 donation fundraising affair for the AIDS Walk Orange County. Anyway, it was a nice day, if a super-easy kayak excursion. The sun never came out and we of course got wet, so we got a bit chilled, but not terribly so. And no sun meant no sun burn, which is always a good thing.

Afterward, I went home and took a super long, hot, bubble bath. I did some laundry and cleaned the Rad Pad a bit (not enough, though, frankly) and stayed in for the night.

I intended to go to church on Sunday. Really, I did. Stop laughing. I was supposed to go to church with Sondra, but she called me in the a.m. and cancelled. Seems she didn�t feel up to going. So I can now blame my heathenhood on my sister. Instead of going to church, then, I decided I would just lay around the house, read, watch t.v. and take naps. Ah, the perfect Sunday! Well, aside from the Lakers� incredibly fucked-up play, it was the perfect Sunday. Sondra, Lou and Jeremy did come over in the evening and we took a little walk on the beach and talked about the upcoming band shenanigans, of which I will be a part.

It would appear that my sitting in with the-band-with-the-incredibly-stupid-name may not be a one-weekend occurrence. Tony, their usual lead singer/rhythm guitarist whose idea it was to form this band in the first place, doesn�t actually want to play very often at all and only at gigs which are within a ten-mile radius of his home�which is, of course, about 40 miles away from everybody else�s home. So stay tuned.

We will have a couple of rehearsals, but also, as a sort of practice-run, I will be singing about 5-6 songs with the band on April 30 - May 1. The thing is, Original Mike is sitting in for Tony on that weekend. Which means his bitch�oops, I mean his girlfriend will be there. Yay! I�m sure the positive vibes will be overflowing in to the streets those nights. I can only imagine what her response to my singing with them will be. Should be great fun.

Inevitably, in talking about band-shenanigans, the subject of the Hunky Drummer came up. Lou had just talked to him on the phone that morning. Apparently, the HD thinks it�s �great� that I am going to sing with them and is looking forward to it. Of course, he�s never heard me sing and I�m somewhat sure the reason he thinks it�s �great� is that this means he will be able to play more often than Tony deems necessary.

So talking about the little poop of course got me thinking about him again. Ergh�I know I am being a total idiot about this guy. That�s the last time I sleep with someone I actually like, I�ll tell you that!

I�m kidding, of course�but this crush is really rather ridiculous, especially since it�s now been a month since we slept together. I mean, get over it already, you dork.

I�m wondering if I am just really, really lonely or if I have a huge problem being rejected. Most likely, it�s a bit of both. I�m reminded of that Liz Phair song that goes: �I am extraordinary, if you�d ever get to know me�� So pathetically true. You�d see how awesome I am, Hunky Drummer, if you�d just give me a chance to show you.

I also think I was hugely offended by the fact that he seemed to be saying he couldn�t see me while at the same time continue in his efforts to stop drinking, go to church and be a Good Little Boy. I know that�s not really what he was saying, but it kind of felt that way. And I took that bit very badly.

Just skip past this next bit if you�re totally sick of hearing about the HD, but I kind of need to write this out, once and for all. My thoughts on the subject are kind of a jumbled mess of �I don�t understand why I am still all-consumed with this dude� and I�m hoping writing it out will help me make sense of my feelings.

Again.

� So we met in�what was it, January? At a gig. I thought he was really cute, thought him too young for me and that was about it.

� I had my �come-over-here-and-drink-all-of-my-leftover-booze� party in January. Because I figured the more drinkers the better to rid the Rad Pad of booze and because I am a nice person, I told Lou to invite the members of both of his bands. The HD showed up, which in and of itself was a surprise since I had met the guy once and had said maybe a dozen words to him in total. We talked quite a bit during the party and I picked up on the vibe that he may actually be interested in me. Which was interesting to me and started me thinking about him as a possibility in that arena because, let�s face it � he�s a hottie. Since he mentioned he was working in Long Beach, I mentioned that we should go to Happy Hour after work some time as I hugged him good-bye. No biggy, though, and I still thought him too young for me. Plus, I was told he was seeing somebody so I really took none of this seriously. And if I�m being truthful about all of this, I may as well admit that I think deep down I thought he was probably too hot for the likes of me and I don�t think I really believed he was interested. It�s not like he asked for my number or anything, either, so there ya go.

� A week later, the band-with-the-incredibly-stupid-name played down south. I walked in to Sondra and Lou both telling me that the HD had been asking about me and what time I was scheduled to arrive, etc. Hmm�again, this got me thinking.

� We talked all night (well, in between sets) and he was very obviously interested in me. He winked at me and made goofy faces at me while the band played. He told me he was no longer seeing that other person. Other people even commented on the fact that he was obviously interested. We talked not only about going out for a drink, but about going to Dodger games and other things. He still did not ask for my number, but I gave it to him before he left.

� He did not call me for�how long was it? A week? Two weeks? I assumed at the time that I had totally misjudged the scenario and he wasn�t interested, after all. Sondra was telling me this was crazy and if even Lou knew he liked me he must. None of us really understood why he was incommunicado, but I had to play with what I was being dealt�which was basically nada.

� Finally, I got this strange message on my machine�we ended up talking and I received the first of many �I�ve been so very, very busy� excuses. The end result was I still thought he liked me, I still liked him and we talked about going out on an actual date. I did, however, begin to believe that the HD has a lot of baby-mama-drama which may be too much for me to handle.

� We didn�t, in fact, go out on an actual date.

� The next time I was supposed to go see his band play, I didn�t go because of various things going on in my life�and the fact that I assumed he was either not interested after all or was just dealing with too much baby-mama-drama to also deal with me.

� Since I didn�t go to the gig, he of course called me. I think he is one of those guys who likes me more, the more I ignore him. We scheduled a date for that Thursday. I was to call him on Wednesday to firm up our plans.

� When I called him Wed. he cancelled our date, saying he had to go �pick someone up.� From where, I didn�t know. From where, I didn�t care. I had a couple of thoughts about his flaking on our date � 1) He broke our first official date which to me said plainly that he didn�t like me, like me. 2) Whether he had a valid reason for canceling or not, he should have called me the minute he knew he had to break the date, rather than waiting for me to call him. 3) If this really were an emergency situation and he still wanted to see me, I would assume he�d offer up an alternate date, which he did not. I thought his way of handling the matter was rude and I resigned myself to just being friends with the guy, if that.

� A week later, he called me. Essentially, he�d had a bad day and was looking for someone to go have a drink with. I went, assuming we were going as friends since his behavior up to this point made it apparent he wasn�t interested in anything else.

� Yeah, so we got drunk and screwed. Yes, we also talked for several hours, but the end result is the same � we got drunk and screwed. It all happened very fast � one minute I thought we were hanging out as friends, the next he had his tongue in my mouth. I remember stopping the action at one point, in order to try and think clear thoughts about what was happening, and just saying �fuck it� to myself and giving in to my baser urges.

� It was apparent to me the next day that he was uncomfortable. I did my darndest to put him at ease, but I don�t know how well that worked. As we parted ways that morning, he said he may call me later, but I honestly didn�t really expect him to.

� He in fact did call me later. He seemed much more at ease by this point and we talked about getting together that night. I believe he said �Maybe I�ll give you a call later and we can get together; get something to eat.� I was pleasantly surprised that he�d called and thought perhaps we were back on track.

� Uh�yeah. I never heard from him again.

� Two weeks went by and I was supposed to go see his band play. I therefore decided to call him, in an effort to alleviate any weirdness which may come up as a result of our encounter and his resulting avoidance of me.

� In our oh-so-lovely telephone conversation, I was told many things�things which made me feel like shit, truth be told. I was pretty much told that he is still hung up on his ex, but that she is seeing somebody else. Apparently, his finding this out had wreaked havoc with him in the weeks since we�d slept together and that was the main reason he hadn�t called me. In addition, her finding somebody new was leading her to pay little attention to their son. The end result was that the HD had decided to stop drinking and to start going back to church and in all to concentrate on being the best father he could be.

First of all, I completely understand his feelings about the ex. Obviously, I know how hard it is to fall out of love with someone�and when it�s someone you have to deal with on a regular basis, well that just makes it 100 times more difficult. When he told me about the ex, sure I was still hurt; but more than that, I understood and I felt bad for him. That�s a painful situation to be in.

I felt like he was probably just trying with me, to see if he could move on and get over her. And we rushed in to having sex because we were drunk and hell, it was a fun night. When he sobered up he realized he�d made a huge mistake, especially after he found out about the ex�s new boyfriend and that hurt him.

Do I wish he�d handled all of that differently and that he�d just been straight with me? Well, of course I do�but you know�it was a hard place to be in. We�ve all done stupid things, especially when in the midst of emotional trauma, as he was at that time. He was kind of shitty to me, but I can understand why and I don�t think shitty actions necessarily make someone a shitty person. Sadly, we all make mistakes of this nature.

I think what might be bothering me is I really feel like he�s not seeing me because I�m some big bimbo-sinner and he needs to stay away from temptation. Of course, that�s not how I see me and logically I don�t even think that�s what�s going thru his head. Really, I don�t think he�s thinking of me at all, because he was never really interested in the first place. But this isn�t about what�s really going on � this is about trying to figure out my obsession.

When we talked on the phone that day, and he was explaining how he was trying to be a good person now, he said something to the effect that I �probably don�t even understand� what he was talking about.

Huh? I don�t understand trying to be a good person? What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Sure, I may fail miserably a lot of the time but I sure as hell know what it is to try to be a good person. I know what it is to work on one�s relationship with God, too.

And that�s where the �if you�d ever get to know me� connection comes in.

On top of that, I find it offensive that in his apparent quest for Godliness, my feelings didn�t enter in to the equation at all. I mean, I�m not some nameless, faceless bimbo he was never going to see again. There�s a real, live human being over here; one with feelings. And at the very least, we have friends in common and I would see him at gigs. Here he�s telling me that he�s trying to be a Good Little Christian Boy...doesn�t that include being decent to me? All he had to do was tell me the truth from the git-go � it still wouldn�t have been nice to hear, but it would have been more honorable. Why not call me and say, �Hey�you know, I�m really sorry, but I am going thru this stuff with my ex and just really don�t think we should see each other right now. I�m sorry we had sex, but you know � we were drunk and it was a mistake�?

Yeah, it�s hard to say stuff like that...but isn�t that the right way to handle things?

Instead, he waited until I called him � something which was very hard for me to do, especially that day (I�d had a hard, ego-busting day that day, in general). I knew I had to go to that gig that night, because I didn�t want to flake on Jody and Leonard. I didn�t want things between the HD and I to be weird, so I swallowed my pride, called him and left him a message. I guess I should count my lucky stars that he returned my call and I didn�t get slammed with this in the middle of the bar.

I dunno...writing about this doesn�t seem to be helping.

I think what may really be bothering me is that...Call me crazy, call me arrogant but I just don�t really believe that he wasn�t interested. I think part of me feels like he really has been interested all along and if I wait around for a while, all of this stuff with his ex will clear up and we�ll have a clear path to start all over again.

That sounds so stupid, though, based on all of the evidence. I would normally say that my instincts about such matters are dead on and I�m sure I�m right, but�well, I don�t even really trust my instincts anymore.

And then the question becomes, why do I even care? Why would I even want to wait around, assuming I am correct about this? Is he even really worth the trouble?

And that�s when I start questioning my motives. Is it just that I can�t handle the fact that I am being rejected by someone who never really got to know me? Is it just that I�m lonely and feeling especially vulnerable to this sort of rejection?

I just don�t understand myself. I only know that I liked this guy. I thought he liked me. And now my feelings are hurt.

~~~

My other boyfriend (meaning John) called me on Saturday and says: �You aren�t gonna be mad at me, are you?�

Crap.

�Should I be sitting down for this?� I asked.

It turns out he bought a motorcycle. A BMW Motorcycle. Yes, I will worry about him (as if I needed another reason to worry about him), but why he thought I�d be mad is anybodies guess; especially since we�d already discussed it and had looked at Harleys together on more than one occasion. And what he does with this money is his business anyway. Plus, since we will most likely be paying $3.00 per gallon of gas by Summer, I can totally understand why he�d want to buy a vehicle which will get him 45-50 mph as opposed to the Blazer he has been driving, which gets about 23 mph. Anyway, I guess in his shopping around he decided he liked the BMW bikes better. I am really looking forward to getting a ride this weekend.

Feel free to create your own off-color joke, there.

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